chinese food and memories?

okay.
i was sitting on the couch and my mom asked me if id eaten already.
i sad yeah but then she goes i havent seen you eat anything yet.
then i said it was because she didnt pay attention.
then she goes im ordering italian, you want some?
i proudly said no. it would take a hell of a lot more than italian food to ruin my work.
then she goes how bout pizza?
and i love pizza. and im surprised i said no.
then she goes alright well i geuss ill just order chinese for both of us.
i told her i wasnt hungry and the food would just go to waste. then she goes fine i wont order you any.

so the food gets there, and smells absolutely delicious and turns out she ordered for me.
she got like 6 boxes of EVERYTHING. like seriously, the guy had to go out back to his car like 4 times.

then she makes me a plate and tells me to eat.
so i look at it. and i tell myself i wont eat it.
but right after she left the room, i started eating it. i got like 5 bites into it and i felt deathly ill. so i stopped eating. but i cant believe i ate....
then my stepdad not having known that i had eaten the chinese food thought i was lying when he asked if i ate any chinese food.

so he made me eat pan. [mexican bread. yes, my mom is mexican. couldnt tell im mexican from my default? yes. im the whitest half mexican youll ever meet.] and i ate it becuase i was aware he was watching me even though i only felt sick.
so then i felt even worse.

and i want to go lie down and watch tv because i feel awful.

god. the self loathing has come back. the good feeling is back. and im pretty sure that ill be 120 if i ever get the courage to go back on the scale again.
why do i keep doing this?! why cant i just enjoy my progress and not erase it?! now i have to start all over again...

the plany for the next few days is to fast for as long as i can to get out all that disgusting grease and MSG i consumed.

ugh.

god i hate myself im so fat and disgusting...


just this mroning i couldnt stay away from the mirrors and kept pulling up my shirt to admire my hip bones sticking out and my flat stomach... and turning to the side to look at how far id come...

now i cant even see my hip bones. my stomach is bloated and ugly. it sticks out like im a child from ethiopia. i had to change from my tube top [yes i wear tube tops in jan] to a thick sweater from fear of my parents laughing at me and calling me fat again.


actually, come to think of it, i remember the exact day that i stopped eating right.
i was actually having a really bad day already. then iw ent to watch a movie with my mom and step-dad and they started asking me why i ate all the time. then they said that its kind of embarrassing having me wear tight clothes during summer because im too fat for them. they said i really needed to loose weight... at that time i weighed 130 and had actually gone down from my highest weight.
well anyways, i had come home to watch a movie with my mom and they both started asking me all these questions, laughing at me and my fat then i ran away to my room to cry for a good solid hour and a half before deciding that food was not my friend.



my nickname? [yeah. they actually had a nickname for me.]
was the fat hobbitses. yes. tehy actually were cruel enough to imitate smeagle from lord of the rings and call me the fat hobbitses [remeber sam, the fat hobbit in the movie?]
i wasnt even really overweight for my height...

so at first i just started counting calories. i didnt even mean to become pro ana. i just starting cutting back little by little, and i think i was consuming around 1200 a day when i realized that i would never get results until i changed the intake drastically. so i went from 1200 to 500 in a few days, and while screwing around on the internet for dieting tips i managed to stumble on some pro-ana sites. god i felt like i had been saved. it was exactly what i needed.

when i first got down to 120, i didnt think it was possible.

everyone kept telling me, if you dont eat, youll never loose weight. your weight will never ever go down. the only way to loose is if you exercise and nothing else. but no. i knew it wasnt true. they had fed me lies and i had evidence that my method worked. at first i was really depressed becuase i felt even bigger than i thought i was before i had started noticing all the lumps and bumps.

but now, its like my life. i love ana. it helps me. i dont feel how i used to. i feel better.



but i still wished i hadnt binged...

god if my weight is 120 i swear ill fast for weeks.

im so horrified by my actions... and to think i was so close...


[was].








sorry bout the long ass post.

<3