i have to stop. i dont have an option.

okay.
this is hard.
this sucks.

i have to stop.
no more restricting, no more fasting, no more low calorie days and 7 bottles of water everyday.
if i expect to go anywhere in fashion modeling i cant starve anymore. i cant be what i want to be. modeling is my life...
if i do keep going with this restricting/fasting cycle, then i wont grow and then ill be doubly fucked. it really sucks that if i want to grow tall enough to do what i want to do then i have to eat again.
i have to go back to 'normal'.

this is horrible.

i cant have both... i either get to have height or thin and height is a law in the modeling world. [so is thinness but i cant work on that at my age i guess...]

all of my hard work has been for nothing.
i have to go back to how i was before and try to eat.
i dont want to eat.. i hate food. its disgusting and ruins my life.
how the hell do all these extremely young supermodels pull off thin and tall at the same time? theres no way in fuck that theyre all just 'naturally thin'. thats the biggest load of bullshit ive ever heard.
why couldnt i just be blessed with extreme height and be naturally thin?

fuck.


so today i ate a grapefruit [65 cals]
a salad without dressing or anything but lettuce [11 cals]
a special k bar [90 cals]
and 4 crackers [60 cals]

so the total is: 226 calories for today.

the special k bar and crackers were the sad attempt to get my calories higher so it didnt count as restricting.

god this fucking sucks.. i feel like im dying... i dont want to go back to eating like a cow....

its like, when i want to restrict i binge and when i want to try and eat more i cant.

started taking multivitamin packs today...

im not even sure if im going to keep counting calories or if im just going to stuff my face aimlessly and hope i eat enough.

im going to gain so much weight from this....


im keeping the blog.
its mine.
im keeping it pro-ana.
i love it.
ill keep posting thinspo.
its magical.
but i have to eat.





i feel backwards.
like my life is a fucked up little carnival.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3