okay so i went to spend a few days at my friends house and her mom basically FORCED me to eat dinner with them everyday and my friend could not put the ookies down so you can imagine what happened.
after eating dinner, i felt defeated and fat, so i ate tons of junk food to make me feel better which actually did nothing but make me feel worse.
end of story.
i would go into the binge part more, but there really was no emotional distress causing it except the usual 'im fat' stuff.
so anyways,
then we went swimming and i almost had a panic attack while changing into my swim suit because im a cow. what i didnt think about was the fact that i was staying wayy south of where i live and things are backwards there.
if youre fat, everyone thinks its a good thing so all i got all day were cat calls for my disgusting probably-125-lb ass.
it was really annoying.
i dont get why they dont see things the way i do.
another subject to touch on, is that one of my "parents" today told me they know every site i go on. or at least i THINK thats what they said. im not really sure as there was a lot of screaming, cuss words, and projectiles being directed at me.
normally i wouldnt care because all i really go on is myspace, do random searches in google, watch youtube videos once in a while and do my school work.
but now, i search thinspo, i go on fitday A LOT, i write on here, i collect thinspo through photobucket, i go to a lot of ana sites to catch up on tricks and exercise, and im always on webmd trying to figure out the fastest way to lose weight.
i used to not care if anyone found out because hey, its not like they could stop me or anything and im not underweight so they cant just throw me in a hospital. plus mental institute evaluations are easy to get through so i wasnt too worried.
but now...
now i post personal things, personal thoughts, personal experiences, things i would NEVER share with my parents, [or any of my friends for that matter.] i say things the way i feel them and they way they happen and i think my parents would pretty much drown me if they found out how truly insane i can be sometimes.
my parents think im this open book, sure a little angry a little too fast sometimes, but an overall well balanced, person who if indeed was in any danger of mental health deterioration, then i would be sure to alert them.
thats not the way i am.
my thoughts go on for miles and miles through this barren land of scales and fear of cellulite and my head is always running.
they think i feel one way, when really i feel a million different ways at one time and have a million thoughts about something, some place, some one, and if i ever even tried to explain the complexities of my worries and thoughts and problems, theyd never understand and theyd do nothing but throw me into a mental hospital.
its not JUST the fact that they dont understand me. thats every teenagers issue.
my problem is that they ARENT me.
but they think they are.
all i ever hear is 'i was in your place at your age and i know exactly whats going through your head all the time'.
and every time im about to try to explain something, i get 'oh i went through the same thing at your age, everyone does'.
no.
no no no no no.
I HATE THAT.
i am NOT everyone.
i am NOTHING like everyone.
im not my mom, im not my stepdad, im not my dad who fell off the face of the earth, im not my 'biological father' who can die for all i care, i am NO ONE.
i despise the thought of being just another predictable 16 year old 'struggling to find her place in the world' like every other sex crazed, moody, hormonal 16 year old out there whos obsessed with all the latest pop stars and who sings Britney Spears in her room because 'its not britney's fault kevin left her'.
im sick of hearing how plain my thoughts must be, how boring i must be, and how generic i must be, because my parents 'went through it all' at 'my age'.
predictable is NOT something i would enjoy being described as.
i told my friend i dislike predictability a few days ago and she just told me that im just like every other aquarius out there.
id rather be like every other aquarius than every other teenager.
so anyways,
since im not sure that one of my parents said 'i know every site youve been on' because there was WAY too much noise and they could have easily been saying somthing else, id like to say that IF thats what they said, then i dont see how its possible.
i blocked my history so it doesnt save, i ALWAYS close my page out and lock my computer, i change my password three times a week every week just in case, i changed the settings on my browser so it doesnt save cookies either, and as far as i know, in ten minutes, my ever having been here will be erased from my computer forever.
but the bad thing is, if i slipped up just ONCE and they got a hold of the address of this blog, then they would be able to read every thing i write until i delete it.
no privacy,
no warnings,
no time to tell you guys.
[if i ever randomly delete everything, then you know why.]
even scarier thought, what if they already have the address to my blog, and theyve been reading it for the past few months.
if my mother ever found out how much i cuss, she would gut me, skin me, and wear me like a suit. NO JOKE.
the thought of someone secretly keeping up with my blog that i know [and they know its me] scares the living sin out of me.
yeah so im pretty much paranoid now. and im going to go get dressed so i can get out of the house and away from these people.
oh and btw, i never started my plan.
i havent eaten anything yet today but i cant decide if im going to fast, or eat a low number to keep my metabolism up instead. i wanna fast so i can start my plan but im afraid it might lead to binging.
i dont wanna risk it.
ill just eat a low number.
what number.. what number...
80.
no.
70.
no. no. thats too close to 100.
60.
60 is even.
60 it is.
60 cals and if i eat any more, ill blow my brains out with a sawed off shot gun.
just kidding =]
peace!
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It is frustrating when people claim to know exactly what you're thinking and while they might be able to relate to you it isn't fair for them to assume or generalize your situation.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck, I hope nothing happens to the blog - I enjoy reading your posts!
I hope everything works out okay! Just remember the light at the end of the tunnel....in a few years you'll be free!! No more having to cover your tracks :)
ReplyDeleteI have two words for you : Google Chrome.
ReplyDeleteSay you downloaded it coz its faster/better whatever. Under tools you can open an 'incognito window' and it doesnt save any of your searches/history anything... GODSEND.
Wow, actually I'm like Lulu - I use google chrome only for my ana stuff. It's actually way faster than firefox, if you can believe that.
ReplyDeleteBut I was going to suggest a proxy, in case your parents just have access through your internet provider or something. I don't know if they can do that, but it sounds possible. I like hidemyass dot com. So your parents would just see miles of traffic to hidemyass/23344857834787f or something like that. The incognito window can't act as a proxy. I don't think they've found your blog, though. If they had they'd probably have confronted you about it already. If you're still scared you should go into settings and modify your permissions. :) hmm.. I bet they were just trying to scare you, though. My father has been known to fear monger in the past..
another subject to touch on, is that one of my "parents" today told me they know every site i go on. or at least i THINK thats what they said. im not really sure as there was a lot of screaming, cuss words, and projectiles being directed at me.
ReplyDelete---
That would be my nightmare. But you are taking good procedures.
Correction, if they were following your blog, that would be a nightmare. I don't know them obviously, but something says they aren't. :)
When I feel predictable I suprise people...and myself by doing things. Real In-Your-Face constant reminders, but safe ones. Like my three new piercings after being piercing free for sixteen years. Or "veganism".
It's only a suggestion because I do know that predictability SUCKS!
sounds like your parents are a nightmare :( the probably take your scale away to and then you can never know your progress... . ............... .I'd hate that.
ReplyDeleteWow, that sounds... terrible.
ReplyDeleteMaybe (and I say this for purely selfish reasons), you should go back and erase particularly personal entries, and from now on fictionalize non-ED related stuff? I do a certain amount of that, to the point where my family probably wouldn't recognize themselves.
In any case, I hope things get better soon... and the "everything is backwards" thing was funny. I've always lived in places where thinner is better, and 90 pound girls get dumped for being "too fat"...
If you have your own computer, it would be hard to monitor. If it's going through a router (not wireless) there are methods, I'm sure, but there are steps you can take (such as installing an auto proxy shifter, which is what worked when I was younger, because it doesn't link your IP address to the router you're going through and therefor the sites you visit can really be monitored).
ReplyDeleteIf you could give me more info, I could try to find out how they're doing it.
What browser are you using?
You're not like every other 16 year old, and your parents don't know what you're going through. They're in their own heads. Every individual may go through similar experiences, but being different people, with different thoughts, they are all unique. Yes, we are all prone to the same mistakes and same inevitable outcomes (or at least, highly likely ones, such as breaking up with your first love in Jr. High/high school sweet heart, or having an "UH OH" moment during sex), we will not approach them the same, or reach the same, or take from them the same lessons.
We are similar. But not identical.
We are predictable only to ourselves.
We are not known to others, especially when we do not know ourselves.
Parents are helpless creatures. They are lost and terrified, and have no idea how to raise children. They are people like you and I who suddenly have a litany of problems thrown out before them and no idea how to properly approach them. They see their children going through things they themselves suffered,and think "it's just like me!" when in fact, it may be close, but it's not the same. They are terrified, and lost, and they have no idea how to deal with their own head trips, much less the issues of the child they made.
It's harsh, but it's the most valuable lesson I learned.
The only person who can pull me through something is myself.
The only person who can know me is myself.
You have to be your own parent. You have to be your own friend. Your own lover. Your own nation.
It's hard, but for a few very lucky individuals, it's a lesson learned with time, and those are the ones who don't just make it, but are successful.
Good luck, and I hope things get better sooner. Like I said, if you want, you can contact me (I have an aim email address if you want) and with some info, I can try to figure out if they can/how they could be monitoring your web activity and if it can be circumvented.