Deaf, Dumb, and Blind.

okay so yesterday i had 230 calories. today i had 171 calories. i havent had a binged in a while. my weight is at 123 lbs.
its not 125, but thats still pretty FUCKING high. im seriously not understanding how my weight is down to where it should be when i havent binged in a while... its really getting to me.

with all the bullshit going on, ive basically just been turning a blind eye to everything. my parents fight like savages, i skip around listening to music pretending everythings okay and that they arent really fighting.
my mom told me to find a house to move into, i pretend she didnt say anything, and that we arent moving.
my room is a disaster of moving boxes, and you cant even see my floor or distinguish my floor from my bed.
i look up at the ceiling instead, and hey problem solved.
i have a weeks worth of school work and i havent started on any of it, but i just pretend its summer and im not in school.
my teachers are going insane, emailing me, so i just stop checking the emails.


im hiding from all my problems that are piling up and ive been focusing on trying to forget.

today is 5 years ago that my dad died.

im pretending like that never happened too.


and if i sat here and told you i havent thought about B, then id be lying.
a commercial came on tv that me and him used to mimic and laugh about.
my first thought was 'omg i HAVE to tell him next time i see him'.
then i realized i wont be seeing him.
ever again.
hes out of my life.
for good.
completely gone.

i havent spoken to him in what feels like YEARS buts only been a few days.

honestly, i feel like hes dead, and i feel all the pain that comes with loss.

my mom asked me why i had racooned my eyeliner today and i told her i was mourning the dead.
she thought i was referring to my father.

but i wasnt.


and i hate B so fucking much for giving me more bullshit when ive already been handed too much.

but hes still playing in my mind like a CD stuck on repeat.

i keep feeling like things didnt work out because i wasnt thin enough.

if i was thinner, then there wouldnt be a problem.

theres no way he wouldnt turned out to be an asshole if i was thinner.



i got the book the best little girl in the world today.

and ive noticed something.

in books about anorexia, theres never a binging problem.

you never hear about 'ive starved myself for a week but oh hey i fucked it all up with this here doughnut so now i need to start over'.

its always their parents make them eat, so they throw it up and go on their way.

honestly, it makes me feel like im a fake.

im a fake because i give in on average twice every week when fasting the other days.

and i dont throw it up.

once in a while i do.

but thers no way id get away with it at my house.


im a fake, because i dont weigh 90 lbs and my hair isnt falling out.

i wish i was 90 lbs and my hair was falling out.

what king of fucked up world do you have to live in to wish that you were dying?

its not all that uncommon.

there are many death wishes out there.

but mine is special.
special in the way that i dont want to die.

i just want to prance my crazy ass through the valley of death and live to tell the tale.

and be thin all the while.

the more i weigh, the less i want to weigh.

i weigh 120 i want to weigh 105.

i weigh 130 i want to weigh 100.



all i want is the badge that says HAH! I DID IT AND YOU COULDNT STOP ME.

i want the badge that screams self control.

but it seems like im forever at war with myself.
my mind against my body.
my want against my need.
two opposing people screaming out directions and neither of them make very much sense.

the only thing the two people have in common is that they both want thin.

will i ever get there?

im not so sure anymore.

how long will it take me?

im not so sure anymore.

who am i?

im really not so sure anymore.


but im pretty sure its just a shell.


sometimes i think the only way id be REALLY happy was if i was deaf dumb and blind.
id never see my body, id never see B, id never hear screaming and fighting, id never hear people being assholes, and if i was dumb,then i assume i would be in a constant state of bliss.



does it seem like i wallow in self pity too much?

cuz i think i do.

i should cut that shit out.

my life isnt that bad.

or at least it could be worse.

i mean im still breathing, right?

so its all good.




eh.
im a liar.
peace out home skillets.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3