Pool Party Goals

okay so ive been kinda busy lately with everything and i know ive been doing the writing every other day thing but im trying to break out of it.

saturday i finally met someone my own age [thats actually a chick] and we hung out at the mall and got along really well. im not guna get my hopes up cuz.. well.. i tend to do that way too often and to be honest i dont get along with girls my own age.

so anyways,
it went well and i was pretty surprised.
then we ran into my best friend [that i made out with] and his girlfriend [that hates me].
i purposely made it awkward simply because the girl was looking at me like she was guna gut me like a fish and if it was going to suck for me, id make is suck for her too.

well, like the two faced bitch she is [or maybe shes trying to be nice so i dont fuck up her life and relationship?] she invited me to a pool party shes having [for her birthday] and now im paranoid ive said too much detail and someone will find out and- alas! ill be exposed!
no just kidding haha

but yeah so ive totally got new thinspo. well event thinspo.

ive got until the 21st to loose mega weight and tone up because even though i dont like the thought of being toned or muscular [i associate it with bulk and fat too much] for some reason, lately ive been looking more doughy than usual. not like fat doughy, but a different kind. like a flab kind. ugh. its disgusting. almost like the muscle i once had is now completely gone and ahs been replaced with jello.
like the kind of flab you see on thin/small yet flabby girls/
except im not small so i have no excuse.

so anyways, the real driving factor behind this is that i know she already hates me, and told my best friend she thinks im "too pretty" for him to "spend time" with me. which, by the way, has done nothing except inflate my excessively deflated ego, and prove that shes insecure as all hell.

so anyways,

shes chubby, so im just going to ruin her life further [because im a bitch?] by looking better half-naked than her at her own party.

wanna know why?
because shes one of those 'id rather be fat and healthy than skinny and unhealthy' people who's always ranting about how much she hates girls that starve themselves to get thin while she stuffs low cal pizza after low cal pizza down her throat and talks about how much she exercises when really she only exercises for 20 minutes a day.

i told my bestie to play mole for me and ask her how long she plans to exercise for her birthday and she told him she plans to bump it up to 30 minutes and stop drinking soda [OMG REALLY?! dont over-exert yourself now.]

but ive got a secret weapon that she doesnt. i have a talent she could never perfect. i can do a magic trick that she thinks is a "sin" [yes, really.] and its the art of starving. im going to drop so much major weight for this too. in a world where everything you eat is accounted for, there is no other way.

so ill just do what i love to do.

ill stop eating.

now im sure most of you think im being the classic "teen age girl": two-faced, jealous, conniving, self-obsessed and bent on the unhappiness of my enemies.

well, to be honest, i am like that.
but so is everyone else on the planet.

i wouldnt say im two-faced at all though.
i can be jealous, but not when it comes to other girls. if its not related to my relationship, it really doesnt matter to me.
conniving? yes. very. thank you.
self-obsesed? id like to think im not. but then again, when have you met an anorexic who isnt self obsessed? its a self obsessed disease. because when you pick apart yourself in front of the mirror millions of times every day, what else can you be? self-obsessed does not necessarily mean conceited or self-centered.

and when it comes to the unhappiness of my enemies, yes i am petty, yes i am cruel, but i NEVER hate anyone without reason. unlike some people my age, i dont just decide to not like someone, then make their life a living hell.

i usually have a damn good reason for being vindictive.
and just to make it clear, i have a good reason to dislike her.
mainly because she decided she didnt like me before she met me, told my best friend he couldnt chill with me anymore, told him i was a whore when SHE STILL DIDNT KNOW ME and then told him that im too pretty to be spending alone time with him.

its like d00d wtf, im not some sex-crazed ethereal goddess whos going to 'rape your boo'.
haha im not all that great.


so anyways,

coming off that subject, i weigh 124 lbs.
my highest weight throughout the day was 125.

and im officially sick of this shitttt.

so,

im trying to decide what to do. i know i lost weight easily when i was at a grapefruit a day, but binges were more frequent.

binges have been almost completely eliminated from my life at an average 100-200 cals a day [even though my set number is 300] but im loosing no weight.

im simply maintaining.

so, i think instead, ill try to keep my numbers under 100.

see, when i keep my intake at two digit numbers, i feel less like a failure, and plus, if i have a chance at binging, then i could just stretch to use up the whole hundred calories.

something new ive been noticing that i think is worth mentioning, is that i get really angry around food. its a weird kind of angry.

like im frustrated, yet have this grudge against food in general.

i swear i walk to the pantry like a million times a day and look at it, get really mad, slam the pantry door shut, open the firdge, slam that shut, get a plate out of the pantry, stand there for a minute, get more pissed off, throw the plates back, make major noise, get embarrassed that everyone knows im in the kitchen, and leave the kitchen with my face hot and my eyebrows knit together.

its become almost a THING with me.

like the kind of things i do when im eating.
i feel the need to elaborate.

i drink a full glass of diet coke or water first.
cut up the food till it doesnt fit on my fork, make sure its cut in an even number, take 3 bites, wait 3 minutes, take 3 more, continue.
make sure no ones watching me eat or else i have to stop.
stare at the food like its satan on a plate.
if anyone asks for some, or takes some, i cant have anymore.
cant watch tv or be distracted because then ill be out of my ration before i know it and then HEY look at that ill be fucked for the day.

get up to go to the bathroom when im exactly 3 pieces away from the end, and stare at my stomach till i think someone might eat my food, weigh myself, then walk out feeling guilty and eat the last three pieces in reminder that food equals nothing but fat and sadness.


speaking of fat, did i mention i think my hipbones dont stick out as much as they used to?
i mean they dont stick out like the thin girls, but theyve always been feel-able. like theres a hip bone, then my stomach slopes down, then slopes up steeply like im some pregnant bloated ethiopian and then slopes down again and then comes up to a point that is my other hipbone.
[yeah, my stomach is weird] so theyve always been feel-able.

but now i think they arent there as much as they were before.

im horrified theyre being consumed in the 5 lbs of fat that ive gained.

and if you think about it, fat is pretty sneaky.

it can go to your face, your ass, your hips, your stomach, anywhere. but the thing is, youll never really know where its gone because weve all got fucked up body images.

so the arms that look bigger than they were could be the same size, when its really your thighs that are screaming the evidence of that takeout you had.


okay im probably not helping, and making you paranoid without reason.


im going to sleep.

or at least try.

all of you stay as strong as i know you are!


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3