Happiness

ok im not going to stress out anymore.
im just going to eat a low amount of cals spread out over the day so that my metabolism will run faster and im going to start drinking a ton of water again.
for a while there i wasnt drinking as much as i should be, or as much as i used to.
but its hard for me to blame the fact that im not losing weight on water or metabolism when i feel so fat and it feels like its just because i eat too much.

letting that go.
im just going to keep working out, and do what i need to and hope i can lose 10 lbs by friday.

ahem.
i went ahead and ate the lasagna yesterday.
and im actually really glad i did. [even though it was suicide in calories]
because this morning, i woke up with an insatiable hunger that was tearing at my stomach.
[thank. god.]

and i was controlled enough while eating last night that i spread out the food over a few hours, so i actually got HUNGRY hungry before i ate.

its been a while.
it feels great.

i worked out for 2 hours before i went to bed, but im still horrified at the thought of getting on the scale.
im going to bet money that i weigh 125 lbs.


ill get on tomorrow and see where im at then.


okay so moving on to my new theory.
i have a theory, that binges are actually essential to the losing weight process.
i was losing more weight when i was binging every once in a while, and ive noticed its a lot easier to plateau when you dont.
im NOT saying go binge on candy everyday for the rest of your life.
im saying once every few weeks, try binging on healthy things [vegetables, cheeses, breads, meat] because my guess is that the severe change in intake will jumpstart your metabolism if you eat the food over a long period of time [over the course of a day] and keep your metabolism running long enough so that the next day, itll be easier to burn off the low cals you do eat. [thus causing mad weight loss]

i think its probably more likely youll gain weight if you binge all at once, because your metabolism thats already running slowly doesnt have time to adjust to the increased amount of intake.
thats just my geuss though, and im not a doctor [yet].
did i mention i plan on becoming a psychiatrist when i "grow up"? [im never REALLY going to grow up, ill just be taller and probably just as childish as i am now haha]
yeah. i think its funny that ive had the same plan to go into psychiatry since i was in 2nd grade yet i myself have all this bullshit in my own head to work through.

so anways, ive decided im not going to stress.
i stress way too much.
im just going to chill out, get done what i have to get done, and stop being so damn angry / depressing all the time.
actually, im not really angry and depressed all the time in the real world [although i do admit, i get pretty pissed off pretty easily].
but in all honesty, im not your generic depressed anorexic. [ive seen a lot of those]
i laugh A LOT.
and i mean a LOT.
at everything in general.
and my parents get frustrated that i make a joke out of anything and dont take anything or anyone seriously anymore.

i think the only thing i REALLY take seriously is my school work [which i rarely do and hate getting done] and my weight [which i never stop thinking about, and am forever trying to devise plans to get off the weight as quickly as possible.]

other than that, i just think theres so much bullshit going on all the time you cant take anything too seriously because if you do, then youll just be this walking ball of pissed off-edness and sadness.

[even though i do tend to post a lot when im frustrated or depressed]

i dont want to be like that.
i want to be happy.
i want to be thin and happy.

so,
im going to be happy.
and ill be happier once in thin, but for now, im going to work on the happy part.

you know, if you think about it, life sucks.
no, im not getting depressing already. just listen to where im going with this.

life sucks for everyone.
every single person on earth has their own problems to deal with, and all of them have things that suck for them.
and no matter what you do, youre always going to have shitty things in your life to be upset about, and to hate.

being happy isnt about plastering a fake smile on your face when you feel like shit.
its about finding the good things WITHIN the bullshit to smile about.


i met this woman a few years ago, who was dying of brain cancer.
they told her she had 6 months to live.
she would go on to leave behind a sick husband, a 7 year old daughter, and a 17 year old son.

you know what she said to me when i asked her how she felt?

she said great.
she went on to tell me that she wasnt going to waste the last 6 months of her life being depressed, because what good would that do? yes, she would die. but so would every other person on the planet at one time or another.
and she might as well be happy for the simple fact that she could see the sun shine through the hospital window, and she got to eat chocolate pudding on fridays.

[true story]

so my point is, i know everyone hears people say 'enjoy the simple things in life' a lot, and yes, it gets pretty fucking old after a while.
but the way to REALLY enjoy life,
is to say fuck the big problems, because theyre always going to be there [or replaced by bigger ones]
and pay attention to the small things, because believe me, theyre there.
it just takes time and effort to see them.







and now, im cutting myself off so i can go get school work done and catch up on everyones blogs.


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3