Stuck

okay so heres the plan.
im tired of getting on the scale and seeing numbers i dont like.

so,
the best thing for me to do then, [obviously] would be to stay off it.

heres my new plan that i came up with while completely wasted last night:

Day 1 - Friday: Fast
Day 2 - Saturday: 50 cals
Day 3 - Sunday: 100 cals
Day 4 - Monday: 150 cals
Day 5 - Tuesday: 200 cals
Day 6 - Wednesday: Fast
Day 7 - Thursday: 100 cals
Day 8 - Friday: Fast

Saturday: weigh

so the only time i get to weigh myself is once im completely done with the plan. and since im expecting to not lose any weight at all, any weight loss whatsoever will be amazing to me, thus motivating me to continue in my weight loss.


great, huh?
now all i have to do is follow it.

today is day one out of eight and the fast is going well. ive refused nothing but cheerios so far, but hey any refusal is good, right?


so i wanna talk about yesterday.

i havent had problems with depression for about a year and a half now, and everything has been under control without medication or anything.

well S [boy, tall, HOT.] was over at my house yesterday and we were sittin outside talkin about all kinds of stuff.
my parents were no where to be found so i offered him a drink [i doubt my parents would care even if they were home] and he said sure.

so were just chillin and not really getting drunk, just more or less buzzed since i knew he had to drive home and he didnt wanna leave his car at my house in case my parents flipped out.

well i walk inside to go grab a towel from the laundry room because my drink had spilled on the plastic table outside and i see a baseball cap sitting on a high shelf above the dryer.

i pull down the baseball cap and it feels like i got hit by a brick in my mouth.
it was G's hat.
now idk if ive blogged about him before, but there was an incident a really long time ago where me, him, his brother, and a few of our friends all got wasted in the basement.
[my basement got trashed btw]
so anyways, me and him ended up dancing together for a while, then he passed out on my couch, and i passed out in my room, but he had given me his baseball cap.
he told me he had a thing for me, and of course i thought he was a pretty cute guy.

so i wake up in the morning, and still have his baseball cap.
hes still passed out, so i jump in the shower.

i get out, and get dressed and everything, and when i walk out and he drops the bomb that hes leaving to a different state and he had to leave that second or he was guna miss his flight.

then,

he asks me to go with him.

he says he has another ticket because his brother couldnt go because he had work stuff in this state.

i told him i couldnt go because i had school, family, no money, and i was just a tidbit underage [he was 19. three years isnt that bad].

well he said fine, and left.
then when my friends called, i was the one who had to break the news that he basically abandoned everyone and only told me.


so i find his baseball cap in my room, get upset he left it, and that was the end of that story.


so anyways,

i find his baseball cap in the laundry room, and i start feeling weird.
like, theres all this bullshit that i forget about on purpose and theres all these people that come and go randomly in my life [when you move as much as i do, thats expected] and no matter how connected you feel to one person one second, theyre gone the next.


so i go back outside, and my thoughts turn to B.
im talking to S and thinking about B.
S is telling me something about work, and i get trapped in the loop hole mind frame of the 'why-did-B-disappear-off-the-face-of-the-earth-he-was-so-cool-and-now-hes-an-ass-who's-completely-gone-forever' track.

well S stops talking, and i tell him im tired and have to work in the morning, and he says hed better get going anyways, and he leaves, and i walk right to my kitchen to drink myself into oblivion.

and just let me say, when youre starting to feel depressed, alcohol DOES NOT make anything any better.


so anyways, im sitting on my couch, getting wasted BY MYSELF [which is pretty pathetic if you ask me] and my phone goes off.

at that point, i was close to tears i was so upset. [i wasnt sad about B or about G i was just sad about nothing at all]

so im drunk, and too lazy to think about the number, and i answer it.
no one says anything, but theres mumbling in the background.

i get pissed off, hang up, and 15 minutes later, my phone rings again.

i answer it screaming "WHAT?!" and he says "oh. sorry, i didnt mean to bother you. uhh my phone just dialed from my pocket a few minutes ago and i figured id let you know. soo.. yeah."

and i say, "who is this?"

and he says "... you deleted my number from your phone?!"

i say "how the fuck should i know if i dont know who this is."

and he says "its b." then laughs nervously. clears his throat.

i dont say anything and he says "hey, are you okay?" in that fucked up im-just-such-a-god-guy-and-i-care-SOO-much-about-you voice that he does.

and i say "yep. my friend just left so im about to go to bed ill ttyl" then he goes

"_____________ [ <--my full name including middle and last name] are you drunk?" then i start getting that sinking, drowning feeling that i used to get when i was depressed.

and i say "no. why"
then he goes "you are arent you! well im coming over because by the sound of it, you need someone like me there. see you in 5" then he hangs up.


i text him and tell him dont bother.

then go to my bathtub, fill it with cold water, get myself another drink [which i did NOT need btw] and sit there.

hes such a prick, but he was really the only guy that made me feel like things were okay. and just like G, he disappeared off the face of the planet to never be seen again. so i figure, who do i call when things are bad? my ex.

i call him, it rings twice then goes straight to voicemail.

yeah, thanks for helping me out in my time of need.

so i call my best friend.

he doesnt answer.

and its then that i realize, i have very few real friends who id actually bother calling if something bad ever happened.

and then i kind of realize that its because very few of my "friends" would actually care if anything bad ever happened.

and that just added fuel to the fire.


so after feeling worse than before, i turn off my phone, and go to bed soaking wet.
only to have a nightmare about B.

the dream?

theres a pitch black room, and hes holding a flashlight. im stumbling through the room but theres glass all over the floor. [im terrified of the dark.] he tells me its okay then reaches out to me, grabs my hand, and leads me down a path with no glass on it, down to the far end of the room. he pulls me up onto a bed with soft downy covers, and little stuffed animals and we lie down. he has the flashlight directed so that i can see him. he starts singing the song rockabye by shawn mullins to me. [idk why, seeing as we never listened to that song together and i dont even know if he knows the song at all] and after he gets past the verse 'everythings guna be alright, rockabye' he suddenly stops and shuts off the flashlight. i say his name a few times, them sit up and feel around the dark bed for him but hes gone. i starts screaming his name calling him an asshole, and all kinds of other names but its quiet. i knock the covers off from the bed but its empty. i feel for the edge of the bed, and swing my feet down to the floor, and the floor is flooded with water. so i start wading through the freezing water then run into a door. i dont remember much about this part although the parts before it were extremely vivid. i just remember that the door was locked so i started pounding on it, yelling for him to open the door and then i woke up.

when i woke up, i was still stuck with that feeling of dread that i had felt the night before.

and it just occurred to me that i cant even have him in my dreams.

its sad that i place this horrible person who has almost nothing good about them on this high pedestal and even though i should have forgotten about him by now, hes stuck in my head like a brain tumor.

wtf is that?

hes still showing up every where.
i was sitting in a restaraunt with S yesterday and he walked by with some girl.

i dont really care who hes with.
im never going to see him or hang out with him again anyways.

god knows hes probably going to end up staying in the state we were both going to be vacationing in so he might stop living by me.

why cant he just disappear off the map like all my other ex's?






XOXO Sophia Ruins <3