so todays big fuck up?
not eating.
yes,
you read right.
i fucked up by not eating.
in reality, i only fucked up by letting my mom find out.
how did she find out FOR REAL this time?
because of what i ate.
or rather, what i didnt eat.
so today were sitting in a restaurant and i order food so theyll stfu [mom and stepfagg]
i order a salad and a plate of fish, shrimp and egg rolls.
i move around the salad figuring they werent really watching anyways, hide some of the fish underneath the dipping sauce bowl, and throw away 5 out of the 6 jumbo shrimp in the bathroom. [i had stuffed them in my pockets. disgusting, i know.] cut up my fish, move it around, throw out an egg roll, and voila.
and what happens?
my mom complains about me not eating.
"i dont think youre eating right. you CANT be full on just a salad and plate of seafood." yes, fuckface. i can. even though i didnt actually eat any of it.
"eat that last shrimp. no no i wanna SEE you eat it." fuck you im full.
"come on, eat it. youve practically had nothing but air all day. eat the damn shrimp." no. no fucking way in hell im ruining a fast for your bitchass.
my mom continues in this fashion.
i dont say anything except im full and ate a lot before we came.
then later my mom takes me to get my nails done.
we go to taco bell.
i order two tacos to shut her up.
she talks to me in the car about how shes starting to worry about my eating. ive had this talk with her a million times, so its no big deal.
just look at her like shes insane, and dont say anything you wouldnt want said without a lawyer present.
i get home, throw out the tacos, and pretend ive eaten.
then about 2 hours ago, i go into the kitchen to get water.
and she corners me screaming and yelling asking what else have i eaten since taco bell. i say nothing and that im full.
she starts yelling and crying saying shes serious this time. this is it. shes tired of me not eating anything, and shes going to take me to a hospital and if they wont do anything there, shell take me to a dietitian so i can "know what im doing to my body."
bitch.
please.
i know what im doing to my body.
im doing it on purpose.
i know all the illnesses, health problems, complications, and bullshit that accompanies what im doing to myself.
and i.
dont.
give.
a.
fuck.
but shes actually serious this time.
i went on her computer earlier, and saw pages up about eating disorder clinics and what shed have to do to admit me.
THEY WONT FUCKING TAKE ME.
124 LBS IS TOO FUCKING BIG FOR HAVING AND EATING DISORDER.
THEYLL DO NOTHING BUT TELL ME TO GO HOME AND COME BACK WHEN IM ACTUALLY THIN.
she also bought charts.
charts that are currently hanging on my fridge.
charts marked by times and sections that say 'breakfast,' 'lunch' and 'dinner'.
charts completed with detailed spaces so she can write down exactly whta she feeds me.
she says that im going to be eating three square "healthy" meals a day.
which means i get a serving of vegetables, fruit, bread, meat, rice, and dairy EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.
and god knows she thinks slathered in grease is equivalent to healthy.
so shes guna feed me.
until she thinks im better.
so what do i do now?
im not giving this up.
its all i have and its my fucking dream.
ive been pretending to eat.
its not helping.
i cant cheat my way out of it.
she says shes going to watch me eat.
im fucked.
im already fat.
HOW MUCH FUCKING FATTER CAN SHE MAKE ME?!
ILL BLOW UP FOR CHRISTS SAKE!
shit.
fuck.
okay.
chilling out now.
wtf do i do?
what does a normal person do in this situation?
oh wait. there are no normal people in this situation.
well, there you have it folks.
i spent my time fucking around, binging and shit when i could have been losing serious weight before this shit happened.
i started fat.
im ending fatter than i was when i started.
did i mention i hate myself and i want to die yet?
i cant wait two fucking years to move out to start back up again.
i cant do it. i cant eat now. i wont eat now.
today has been a shit day. did i mention B texted me? yes, to make it all worse, he popped back up with his "sweetheart babycakes sugarpie i miss you i need you" bullshit again.
its a little too late for me to stop talking to him.
i texted him back.
told him to stfu.
he asked whats up, and i told him.
had a brief conversation with him before he started ignoring me, and quite frankly, im glad.
im an asshole, and im not strong enough to not text him back.
i deleted his number out of my phone forever ago, but im not strong enough to simply not answer him?
fuuuuckkk today has been a fucked up day.
a fuck up day.
and the fuck up of the day is me.
big fat fuck up me.
fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
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i read you everyday and i'm so sorry to hear this! can you maybe spit your chews out in a napkin and keep a little baggie in your lap where you can put the food? idk i'm not that much help, i know. im lucky enough to live away from home.
ReplyDeletestay strong, you can get thru this.
That's horrible! I don't know what anyone could say to make you feel better at this point, but I'm so sorry your mom is doing this to you.
ReplyDeleteI think candysays had better advice, so I'll second her: you're too strong to let this take you down.
Maybe if you go along with it for awhile she'll give it up? Not sure if that'll help much, depends on how determined she is. Does she lose interest in things easily?
ReplyDeleteDo you exercise much? i know it sucks but if she does make you eat more, just exercise more to burn it off. You might not lose weight, but at least it will stop you gaining heaps.
Sorry that i havn't commented in awhile. I've still been reading but havn't been able to comment.
Stay strong, sending all my love. xo
Wow o_0 sounds like a nightmare about your mom.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what the right way to handle this is, honestly. But you have my *hugs*
I think the clinics would recommend making you try seeing a psychologist before you were admitted. I have no experience in that area, that's just my logic.
I foresee fighting with your mom, if she's really serious. This could just blow over, though. My parents sometimes say threatening things that go nowhere.
This is my first comment on your blog, but I just wanted to say that I hope everything work out okay!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how old you are, but rest assured that one day you'll move out and have freedom to eat as you please...I know that doesn't help your situation now, but just remember that it won't be like this forever..
:]
Dang girl!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your mom is actually serious :/
Hopefully she doesn't start like sitting and making sure you eat everything she gives you!! I'm sorry :(
Ew. B is such a dick. He just doesn't get it, does he?
-Karissa
you need plastic bags without holes in the bottoms, lots of tissue paper, and some kind of sealable bin. You're just gonna have to throw it back up in the privacy of your own room. and i never advocate purging. but if you really really cant face the idea of consuming all those calories, and your mum really really isnt kidding, then its one of the few bad options you have.
ReplyDeleteis she the kid of mum who is serious for a couple of days or once she means business is that it?
basically could you eat for a week to shut her up and she'd forget or not really?
stay strong
Unless you appear an immediate risk to yourself or others (meaning you're going to kill yourself) they can't auto-admit you. What's your BMI? Is it 18.5 or above? If it's under 18.5 by a certain percent (15% lower than your expected bmi) then they will take you.
ReplyDeleteBut chances are, you'll have to go to a therapist first. Or a psychologist, who may give you medication, but they're basically proven to not work anyway.
You'll get through this. Just take a deep breath. Maybe go along with her for a bit and hopefully that'll get her off your back. Don't put up much of a fight with it, either. The more you fight, the more determined she'll be that she's right. Make it out like eating isn't a big deal.
Good luck, bb ♥
oh hun im so sorry, parents are only here to fuck us more up then we already are...
ReplyDeleteI cant give you any advice but to maybe give in till they think ur better, or only eat when their wathcing ( 3 meals a day) and start and work urself hard.
Hope things get better soon, u are seriously one of my inspirations to keep going.
Xx
yur mum likes to eat out alot
ReplyDeletei think every one else has given you good advice hopefully if you could maybe let her see you eat like a couple of mouthfuls she wont watch yu eat the rest of your meal so you can at least hide some of it
and up the exercise
x
Sorry you're having to deal with this, it's never easy, especially because your mom thinks you can be 'cured' if you just eat.
ReplyDeleteGood luck honey, it'll be tough, but hopefully your mom will give up, try and comply for a while and deal with calories in privacy however you see fit (purging or exercise)
Two years may seem like an eternity now, but you'll be out before you know it.
Oh babe... I don't know what to tell you... just prove to your mum you're fine and don't have a problem. And just try to eat as little as possible. Burn it off by exercising loads -- but still that's not fair because you don't deserve to be punished for something that's out of your control.. God. I don't know. Just say strong. And keep finding hope. Because I believe in you. You CAN do this. You'll get through it. <3
ReplyDeleteAwwww girl.. shitty deal. Even if you can't pretend through all of it.. 1000 cals will still lose you weight. Re work your eating to about 1000cals maybe? Keep your mom off your back, lose weight, and maybe even be healthier??? good luck :)
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what I would do if thayt happened to me. Stay strong, I belive in you. It will work out.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fuck up of a day, you however are not the fuck up, it and they are. Don't let her knock you down like this, no matter how loud she screams and how many tears are shed remember she can't force you to put food in your mouth (unless she physically shoves it down your throat). Remember there's only so long the bitching matches can go on, the screaming and shouting will last a few minutes, she might make you sit at the table for hours but she can't MAKE you eat it. If all else fails go with it for a couple of days, appear to be snacking inbetween the meals even, that'll throw her off if she actually thinks your eating even more than you appear to be. It will work out, just stay strong <3
ReplyDelete