Broken Bones & Explanations

dontcha just love capitalization?
oh this id going to be a longgg post.

so the night of the 27th, which was Wednesday i think, i hung out with J and had a few drinks.
well, he doesnt drink very much, and i had already had enough, but i just kept going like a fish out of water.

we were at his house, and for some stupid fucking reason i told T. T is this guy ive been talking to, and he has a really great personality, but for some reason i take him to be boring.

maybe its because i enjoy my guys when theyre fucked up, vulgar, intelligent, brooding and desperatley good looking.

oh hey i just described S in one sentence.

but anyways,
hes not like that at all.
hes caring, sweet, considerate, well balanced, normal, and attractive in a guy-you-marry type of way.

so i was texting him, and wasnt completely drunk yet, but getting tipsy when he said something along the lines of 'why was your day bad?' and i said something along the lines of 'the usual shallow stuff'. and he says something like 'youre not shallow. tell me what it was.' and i say 'if you dont think im shallow, then you dont know me very well and its just some weight bullshit.'

i shouldve lied and said because i got into a fight with my best friend. or because my grade in a class was dropping. or something normal. but i didnt. at that moment, i was fed up with lying to people and tired of pretending to care about bullshit like getting into a fight with my friend or my grades dropping when really all i care about is my weight. weight, weight, food, weight, and weight.

so i decided [stupidly] to just tell him the truth. its not like i care about what this caring, sweet, considerate, well balanced, normal guy cares about me anyways, right?

so i said 'youll laugh but i gained weight so im livid. dont even bother asking how much because i cant believe i just told you.'


then he texts me back and says 'what like barely 15 lbs? you dont look like youve gained any weight.'


and i say 'if i gained 15 lbs i would drown myself. no it was more like 2. yeah i know no big deal but it matters to me so shuddup.'

and then he calls me. i answer. he screams "thats why you dont eat isnt it! what the FUCK are you doing to yourself?!"

i tell him to chill out. i dont starve myself. i just pay attention to my weight because my ballet teacher pays attention to it. when the truth is yes i do starve myself and i havent been to ballet in 4 years.

then he yells "tell me the truth! just stop lying and trying to cover your ass for once and tell me the fucking truth."

lets just say i dont appreciate being yelled at. as far as practically being called a liar, it doesnt really matter to me. its no biggie in my world.

so i tell him. i say 'yes, i do. yes, im insane and fucked up and whatever else you wanna call me. i dont eat, because i hate food, and i hate my weight. go ahead and get pissed off at me. its just the way i am and i cant change it so dont even give me the high school healthroom lecture about how bad it is and how much im 'damaging my body'.'

and he doesnt say anything for a few seconds, and im about ready to hang up the phone and already tying to think of someone i could call who i could tell the details to, who'd make me feel better, and who'd understand.

who fits that bill in my phone?

not a damn soul.


then he says "i dont think youre insane. or fucked up. and im not pissed off at you. im pissed off at youre actions."

and i dont say anything because.. well, how many times do you find yourself in this situation? its not something common like when someone is sick with a cold.

when someone is sick with a cold, you send them a card, bring them soup, and tell them you hope they feel better and give them the whole call-me-if-you-need-anything bullshit.

but what do you say after you tell some guy you barely know that youre "suffering" from anorexia and youre basically just killing yourself slowly, and dont really care who gets hurt in that process?

whats the right the to say when someone finds out that you hate your body, and everything about it and youre jealous of your 9-year-old sisters weight and the lack of curves she has?


i say "suffering" because i dont feel any suffering. i feel like an idiot who cant do it right sometimes, but as far as suffering goes, it doesnt hurt to not eat.
it makes me feel better.

makes me feel accomplished.
fuck that suffering shit.

the only time i suffer is when i eat.




so anyways, he finally says "you know, youre the one doing this to yourself. why wont you just stop?"

and i scream "you think im doing this on purpose?! you think its so easy i can just stop doing it whenever i feel like it?! well fucking newsflash, i cant. if i could go back to the way things were before, then i would. but i cant. youll never understand. its not just a 'dont eat for a day' thing, its like an addiction. its like telling someone on meth to stop doing it cuz its bad for them."

and id say only a part of that is true. yes, it feels like an addiction to me. but yes, i do it on purpose. and no i cant stop. and no i wouldnt go back to the way things were before.

and he says "you know, i didnt think you were one of those girls. the kind whod starve themselves just so they can get attention from guys. i really dont know you, do i?"

and i say "no. you dont fucking know me. so dont you even pretend for a second to know why im doing it. its not for some bullshit reason like attention. its deeper than that hun. it has nothing to do with aesthetics."

even though im lying. because it does. i want to be pretty. to be pretty and thin and have envy and attention. but thats only the tip of the icebeerg. it goes so much farther down than that.

he yells "WHY ARE YOU DOING IT THEN?!"

and i say "because my life is shitty. thats why. when my mom throws plates and remotes at me, i dont eat and it feels a little bit better. when my stepdad tells me how much i ruin his life, i dont eat, and it feels a little bit better. when i think about the fact that my one true best friend who was my dad is now nothing but ashes scattered on a lake, i dont eat, and it feels a little bit better. and when my mom cries because i dont eat, it gives me satisfaction in knowing that shes crying more tears than ive ever cried over her."

he doesnt say anything.

2 minutes go by.

4 minutes go by.

10 minutes go by.

and i can hear him breathing on the phone.

and he says "i wish i could help you... im so sorry everything sucks for you... im just so damn sorry."

and i say "well dont be. i can handle my problems on my own."

and he says "how do you handle all that on your own? i thought my situation sucked, but jesus. you need help. youre going to end up dead. just let me help, okay? i can help you start eating again."

i say "thats a lovely thought but no thanks. i dont feel like playing doctor and patient and i sure as hell dont feel like stopping. youre a good guy. dont get caught up in my problems." then hang up the phone.

conversation over.


my chest felt iced over, my limbs felt numb, and i could feel the alcohol sloshing around in my stomach.

find jake outside just coming back from the gas station, and after being positive he hadnt heard anything, i let him make apple martinis, and i stupidly drink my problems away.

not the best road to be going down, seeing as i have enough mental illnesses already but i decided id rather be drunk and momentarily happy, than sober and angry.


who gets sad anymore anyways? besides everyone else in the world.

i havent felt sad in a while.

i just get angry.




my dad used to be an alcoholic, and i never got why until recently.



so anyways, jake didnt get too drunk, but i got plastered.
then stuck my hand in a metal fan by accident.
broke it and all the knuckles.
and then jake decided wed wait til i got sober to drive me to the emergency room.

like a good boy, he called my parents and told them that i hurt my hand while closing the car door and that they didnt need to worry because hed put some ice on it and take me to the hospital.
they said okay and asked to talk to me.

he lied to them and said that i was bawlin my eyes out and i said id call them when i was coming home.

im glad he lied, because i was pretty wasted.


so we wait till 5 in the morning [i had started drinking really early that day] and once im sober enough to feel the excruciating pain in my hand, and he knows hes sober enough to drive we head out.

they set my hand [ow]
they put a cast on it [ow]
and after an hour they give me vicodin for the pain.

instead of taking the pill they give me when i first get there, i stick it down
my shirt. i felt like going home, and getting drunk again and didnt feel like overdosing and dying.

so i get home, grab a bottle and drink some more then go to sleep.


when i woke up, i didnt have a hangover [as much as i drink, ive never had one before] but i was still drunk form the night before.

my mom was being really nice to me because my hand and offered to take me to get a sundae. i said id rather get a scale that actually works.

so what do ya know, my stepdad starts bitching saying i dont need a scale and i need to forget about my weight and my mom actually sticks up for me like the best friend/ worst enemy she is.

she tells him that if having an accurate scale brings me happiness, then why shouldnt i be allowed that happiness and peace of mind if only for a little bit.

im surprised and take this opportunity to get a 40 dollar scale that measures to the .1 and also measure BMI, body fat percentage, and amount of liquid weight.

when i actually figure out how to make all that work, ill let you all know. for now, i weigh 129.2 lbs and i dont feel bad.

the only reason i dont feel and is because now that i can actually READ the scale and i KNOW its accurate [150 year gaurantee!]. i feel better knowing that if i lose weight, i will always be rewarded with a good number, and that the doubt can be completely erased from my mind over whether i really weigh 125 or if i weigh 140 and my scale is just fucked up.

ive got on the scale a million times today, and i love seeing how the numbers change.

im going to fast today so i can see what fasting makes the scale do =]


i am a very happy girl right now.

ill lose weight in no time.



oh and i forgot:
i would comment all of you back from the post before last right now, but i didnt think id get that many comments and 30-something comments is a lot to get back to on.
so, might take me a while but ill get it done eventually.


stay strong all my lovely girls [and boys]!


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3