Pride; 120lbs again =D

okay so this is whats up.
got wasted last night and went to a rave.
it was tons and tons of fun, and the best part was it was like a 4 hour non-stop workout and im pretty sure i burned a lotta calories. the other good news is that i fasted the 13th, 14th, and im fasting today. i woke up this morning, and saw 120lbs on the scale and almost DIED i was so happy.

i thought that weight would never come off.

and as for the mommy dearest issue, shes been keeping a close eye on me, but its cool cuz im totally handling it.
before she tried to make me eat on the 14th, i woke up and pretended to feed myself. i put a few flakes of cereal in milk, and made it look like i was just finishing up a bowl then walked outside to sit with her and pretended to eat while actually just sipping the milk from the spoon.

then pretended to eat a doughnut but ripping pieces off it and throwing them down the garbage disposal so it looked like i had taken a few bites. i used to be a really messy eater, so i even smudged a bit of chocolate icing on the corner of my mouth for effect. then i proceeded to chew and spit the rest of the doughnut in the shower.

i even made a casserole for everyone in the house and pretended to eat that. i throw all the food down the garbage disposal so theres no evidence.

these past few days, ive been up against my hardest to refuse foods. first it was chinese which im infamous for breaking fasts over, then it was mexican, and then doughnuts, and now pizza.

of course i pretended to eat food and ive been watching the times so it looks like im eating at healthy intervals, but it was easy to say no to all the food i used to love.

except pizza.

and i have to say, there is two pieces of organic thin crust no cheese 134 calorie pizza slices sitting on the counter in the kitchen and i want it more than anything.

i just want to dip it in ranch and inhale them down, but i wont.

pizza is a demon ive faced and been defeated by way too many times. so just let me give a big fat fuck you to pizza.

because i dont need it anymore.

its extremely unnecessary.

but god i want it so bad.

ugh.

okay, next thing i wanted to discuss is that when i came home last night to discover my stepdad had a few drinks as well, he said some things to me.

he brought up my eating.

see, i always thought he didnt give a shit if i starved myself to death or not and i didnt think he noticed my eating.

well he said to me, "yah know, i would rather spend money for you to eat at all the restaurants we go to instead of save the money and have you do this to yourself. dont you care what youre doing to your body?"

and i said, "what are you talking about?"

and he said "i know youre starving yourself. and im tired of never saying anything to you about it. i thought if i left it alone youd figure it out for yourself, but youre only getting worse. cant you see youre beautiful? youre so fucking beautiful you dont need to stop eating. you were a model for christ's sake. doesnt that stand for something in your world?"

and i dont say anything. and he goes on saying "you know, your mother admires your willpower. she says it all the time. she says 'that girls got the strength of steel in her and theres nothing i can do to make her stop'."

and i surprise myself by saying "well now im just proud. and btw its not about the vanity. " and thats it. see, i know when he gets even slightly drunk, he NEVER remembers a damn thing. so im not worried about him knowing or anything. even though he already knows.

but when i got to my room after braving the swaying clutches of parental evil, i almost cried from joy. they noticed. both of them. i cant believe they noticed. and i cant believe my mom said that about me. i believe him because that sounds like the exact type of thing my mom would say.

i cant believe my mother, the stunningly beautiful, terrible, selfish, vindictive, childish, arrogant, and strong willed woman who i adore and despise in the same breath could even begin to care about me.

i love her, but i doubt she knows i exist. except when shes screaming at me.

but for as much as i love my mom, she is a fucking bitch.

a total. fucking. bitch.


and writing about her makes me want some pizza again.

im going to go workout now, before i sabotage myself.



i adore you all,

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3