20 calories

had 20 calories in the form of a 1/2 cup of mushroom stems today.
and i weigh 124 lbs. didnt go up, didnt go down.
even after the pizza.
score! =D

today one of my TRUE best friends came out to me [shes bi,] and feeling 'in the spirit of secret telling' i told her im anorexic.
she goes "are you anemic or bi-polar?"
and i started laughing hysterically.
she goes "oh i meant anorexic or bulimic haha"
so it wasnt a very serious conversation.
i said i didnt know.
i told her that ive thrown up once or twice but i usually just dont eat and i prefer starvation to binging and purging.
then she said that its kewl, and that in a fucked up sort of way its almost noble for me to have the strength to eat as much as i do.
but she said that its horrible at the same time, because im killing myself.
she doesnt want me doing it any more, and she wants me to get better, but she says its my decision and shes not going to tell me that i need to eat all the time because its essentially my body and my choice.

she said if i end up in the hospital though, shes guna kick my ass haha

idk.
shes a great friend.
i trust her and i know that she would never tell anyone and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest and have someone actually understand. [yes, my ex understands and hes great about it, but sometimes i feel like i cant talk about it with him.]

so anyways.
my ex came up with the perfect plan. after convincing me that 300 calories is not a lot, he said that im binging because im being too strict. if i allow myself to eat more than usual once in a while, i wont constantly crave the food i cant have. all i need to do is eat small amounts of it and it wont affect my weight and i get what i want all in the same breath.

so, we basically both came up with a plan for me. [yes, hes just that awesome.]

i can go 45/65 during the rest of the week, but on mondays, i can have a max. 300 calorie binge where i can eat whatever i want, as long as it stays under 300 cals.
then the day after i have 300 cals, i eat 20 calories and work out 2 hours to compensate for the mass amount of food.

im probably going to cut the 300 down to 200 soon-ish, but for now im just enjoying the fact that i get to eat loads and get away with it.
i doubt that the 300 cals will affect my weight if im exercising a lot still.
plus itll keep my metabolism up.
it also gives me more motivation knowing that i dont have to quit the foods i want so bad cold turkey.
if i do well during the rest of the week, and follow my plan exactly then i get my binge.
if i dont, then binging rights are revoked.
i get a reward, and i get something to look forward to.

i think its the perfect plan =']


so yeah.
my mom is taking me clothes shopping this fri so im really pumped to loose weight.
is it too much to ask to weigh 119 by then?
i dont want to say i hope to get to 120, because it makes me feel like such a fat ass to have to hope to get down to a high number, and i never felt thin at 120 anyways.
so maybe ill feel at least a little thinner than i do now at 119?
i was at 130 at my highest and im now at 124. i know i didnt loose 6 lbs last week because i kept binging.
i cant remember if i was ever able to loose 5 pounds in a week.
then again, last time i was playing this game, i didnt exercise.
now i exercise everyday.
wait a second.
i distinctly remember going from 120 to 115 in three days once.
is 5 pounds this week too much to ask for if its already tuesday and i weigh 124?
i dont want to get my hopes up.
when i do that and i fail, i tend to binge.

okay.

its not too much.
ill just try really hard and exercise all day tomorrow so i can loose the weight by friday.
alright im rambling.
so did i tell y'all about my planner ive been keeping?

its awesome.
my mom gave me a small black day planner that has the hours of the day in sections and its great.
every morning, i record my weight, and write down the cal goal for the day at the top.
then i write how many hours im going to exercise for that day, and mark it off when im done.
it keeps me in check and i forget really easily nowadays.
im sure im boring you to death talking about a planner.
but i really seriously love my planner.
you should get one.
i also write down what i eat everyday that way i can plan out meals so i get variety and there's no room for fuck-ups.
on sundays i write down how many pounds ive lost.
last sunday says -6 lbs since ive started.
i never realized that i lost that weight. i never paid any attention to the fact that i actually achieved something. its been more of a dont look back just keep pushing forward type thing with me.


but im trying to recognize that fact that yes, i have lost weight so far.


okay, for all the troopers that have made it this far through all my boring-ness, i award you with these, magical, URL links to lovely article type things.
i actually really enjoyed reading them.
not sure if i buy into it or not yet, but i like the idea.
pretty interesting.
wont hurt to give it a try, right?

http://www.weightlossforall.com/think-thin.htm

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Montanaro1.html

http://ezinearticles.com/?To-Be-Thin,-Think-Thin&id=897530

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4681.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/225142/if_you_think_thin_youll_be_thin.html?cat=5

http://www.whatithinkabout.com/how-to-control-your-thoughts-and-get-what-you-want/


so remember,

think thin girls!

XOXO SophiaRuins <3