binge

oaky so how the fuck do i not eat for almost three days straight then my weight goes from 122 to 120 then to 124?

so i kept checking my weight all day and at the time i wasnt eating anything [on the fast] and i was drinking water.
not coffee, not juice, just water.

i hadnt drank anything all day long and my weight stayed at 120 for about three hours.

then randomly i get on the scale [without having changed anything. no water, no food, no clothing changes, no jewelry, no nothin.] and i weigh 124.

i check the dial.
get back on.

i weigh 124.


i figure its probably just a fluke and walk away to go read thinking it would go away in a few hours and there was nothing to worry about. i mean people cant just magically gain weight right?
no.
not right.

i get on the scale an hour later, and i weigh 124.
124 FOR NO REASON.

so i keep hoping itll go down.
but it doesnt.
it stays at the solid number for a good 6 hours before i finally decide that weight isnt going anywhere.

who the fuck gains 4 lbs from not eating?

apparently, i do.
IT MAKES NO SENSE!


so im already having a majorly shitty day when i come to find out that my step-fag has deliberately thrown out all of the food in our house under 100-200 calories.
the only thing left that is low in cals are a few apples and a can of green beans.

so i told my mom that we need to go to the grocery store to buy more food and she says 'oh just make food, we have enough.' so i tried to explain to her that we dont have any food that i can eat but i cant find a way to say it without sounding like im not eating again.
so i say that all of our food is processed and nasty and i just want some healthy things because im thinking about becoming vegetarian.
she says bullshit im just not eating and theres nothing i can say back to her at that point, because its true and im out of excuses.

so the days going bad, and im feeling anxious when my stepfag starts shit with me.
screaming at me for no reason, getting pissy jsut because he can, and my mom doesnt even care enough anymore to defend me.



or maybe she jsut hates me now.
both are probable.

so of course it ends up with me pissed off and my stepfag pissed off and i go to my room.


an hour later, my mom comes into the room to say were going to get ice cream.
i tell her i dont want any and she leaves the room.

then my stepfag walks in and says "cut the bullshit. im tired of you pretending to starve yourself for fucking attention. no one will ever care so get your damn shoes on and eat like a normal person."


so i get my shoes on.
cry silently in the car.
eat ice cream.
cry silently on the way back.
say nothing to anyone.
watch documentaries about people being eaten by sharks.
eat some spaghetti.
eat some chips.
eat some mini-wheats.
watch disney movies i used to watch when i was a little kid.
stare in the mirror for half an hour.
my thighs officially dont touch anymore.
this will not be the case tomorrow morning.
watch tarzan.
notice how thin jane is.
eat a soup.
watch hercules.
notice how thin meg is.
eat some mashed potatoes.
watch mulan.
notice how thin mulan is but how big her calves are.
and decide i couldnt fit anymore food in me or i was going to either throw up or my ribs would crack apart.

this morning i thought,
god im so strong.
i could get through anything.
i dont eat when im upset anymore.
i dont have a binging problem anymore.
its going to be so easy to get to 105.


and now i think
im never going to be normal.
im never going to be able to stop eating like a pig.
im never going to get to 105.
even if i get there, my relationship with food will always be fucked up.
my self esteem will always be destroyed.
and i wonder if its worth it.





i used to have high self esteem.
i used to really think that i was [if not one of] the prettiest girls in any given shop.
i used to not give a flying fuck if people thought i was fat [ive always weighed between 115-110. im fatter now than ive ever been in my entire life.]
and i used to feel good when i got dressed up and went out with my friends.


now when i look in the mirror, i hate everything about myself. i hate going to see my friends because i can practically hear them thinking how fat i look in clothes and that having a "pretty face" will never count if its drowning in fat.
i dont think im pretty anymore, just fat and worthless.
i feel like a pig.
i hate getting dressed up, because i can never find something that i think i look right in,
i hate shopping for clothes because i hate the size i wear in shirts. [medium] and the size in jeans [size 4 in womens. i happen to have a pair of womens jeans next to me, all my others are juniors but im a lazy cow.]

i just about cant stand myself and im pretty sure no one around me can stand me the way i am now either.


im just so sure that my issues would be all solved if i weighed 105 lbs.
nothing would matter then.

i just keep fucking up.

i now weigh 125 lbs.

ive completely un-done all my work since last sunday.
in fact,
ive undone more.
i lost 4 lbs this week [assuming that the recorded 120 lbs i have actually counts, seeing as i was 120 saturday morning and have it written in as the weight for that day]
but i put on 5lbs.
i almost 1000% sure [999.99% sure?] that im going to be 130 lbs tomorrow.
god i ahte that fucking number.
130 or 127.
127 is bad too.
in fact,
the only number i wouldnt mind being tomorrow, is 122.
theres no way in hell that would ever happen to me.

hell i gained 4 lbs without eating anything at all. imagine how terrible its going to be now that ive eaten.


i geuss my plan of action is to have 20 cals tomorrow.

OH WAIT.
THATS RIGHT,
I DONT HAVE ANY FOOD THATS 2O CALS.
OR ANY FOOD THAT DIVIDES INTO 20 CALS.



if i fast, ill binge.
ive noticed that i binge when im fasting and almost no other time.
so.
tomorrow i have 20 calories of something.
ill probably have to eat an uneven amount of something, unless i magically find green beans some where.

and then i eat 20 cals tuesday.

then resume my original plan.


weight loss for this week: +1 lbs.

THATS JUST FUCKING LOVELY.

fuck my life.