binge

binged yesterday.
binged today.
estimated 1000 calorie binges each time.
i feel like im caught in a horrible cycle that wont end.
ive been binging the past few days but the funny thing is, i dont feel guilty. theres like this part of my brain that keeps saying 'you wouldve binged anyways, your always going to be fat. oh well. i told you it wouldnt work. you are a slave to food you fat fucking cow.'
i keep feeling like my binges are inescapable.
like theyre always going to be there, lurking behind every corner.
just waiting for my fuck ups.

ive been majorly stressed out the past couple days.
could that be part of it?
its not even a good excuse.
'oh i was stressed out so thats why i ate like a fatty and am going to end up morbidly obese. i was just STRESSED.'

oh yeah. sure.
great fucking excuse.
my grades are lower.
low A's.
low a's arent fucking good enough.
when i get A's my mom says 'isnt there a grade above an A you can get to? youre just so mediocre. straight A's are boring. you need to do better.'
when i get b's she flips the fuck out screaming that im a fat stupid worthless cow.

i cant really argue that im not.

so ive been trying to get my grades up.
and balance doing loads of work for my mom.
ive been up till 3 the past few nights doing her stupid bullshit work and then getting up at 6 'because i need to learn how to wake up and get my work done early'
when i can just as easily wake up at 9 and get it done RIGHT because im not half asleep.

idk.
i just feel so frustrated with everything right now.
i dont get along with my mom or my stepfag.
my sister hates me.
my mom keeps bringing up the fact that she doesnt want me living here anymore. [she acts like im 18 and i have a steady source of income. she doesnt pay me for the work i do for her, and IM FUCKING 16. I COULDNT MOVE OUT EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.]
so it sucks being treated like a cousin that wont go home in my own house.
things are becoming way to complicated with my best guy friend.
ive been constantly binging and i dont feel like i have a reason to be thin. i dont even feel like ill ever get there. i weigh 126 lbs. im officially a fat fucking cow.



god i just wish i could leave. i know that once i get out of my house i wont have binging problems like i do.
who ever heard of the crazed anorexic that binges too much anyway.
i dont think i qualify as an anorexic anymore.
just a stupid girl who cant get back on her feet and hates food but eats it too much.


if youre waiting for this post to end with something hopeful like 'its okay, ill get up again tomorrow dust myself off, and start a brand new fast.' or 'i see the light at the end of the tunnel. everything is going to be okay!'

then you might as well just click the little green back button on the top left corner of your screen.

there is no light at the end of this tunnel.
i have completely lost control over my body.
im not even putting up a fight anymore.


ive recognized that every time i dont cram something in my mouth, i am CHOOSING to be thin. and every time i shove food down my throat i am CHOOSING to be fat.

i think ive made my choice blatantly clear these past few days.
i cant even fast for more than a day.

god, what is WRONG with me?
what the hell happened?

id love to know where exactly it all went wrong.
i was doing well.
i was down to 119.
so close to my STGW.
so very fucking close.

yes im being a morbid bitch today and quite frankly my dear, i dont give a FUCK anymore.

126 lbs
126 lbs
126 lbs
126 lbs
126 lbs.


there is no way to look at that and say 'oh its okay, its undo-able.'
no.
125 is undo-able.
120 is do-able.
126 is fat fucking slob that simply eats too much.
no amount of exercise or fasting will take off 21 lbs.

even if i fasted for 3 days then id still only be at 120.
if im fucking lucky.
id be at 120.
and god knows my spoiled ass cant make it more than a day without drowning myself in food.



i am so done for.