amazing-ish day.

ive had an amazing day.
fasted today, and its like today was the strongest ive felt in a long time. i can hear ana's voice so clearly now. the parents bought me DQ but i didnt eat any. they asked me over and over and over again if i was hungry, but i said no. didnt even make up an excuse. i just said NO.
its so muche asier now.
its like, everytime i think about eat, i do 200 sit ups and its all gone.

i worked out for 15 minutes this morning when i woke up, and just now finished a two hour hard core work out. i want to work out an hour later tonight so i can get the 3 hours and 15 minutes worth of cals burned that i deserve but im feeling really weak right now.

and very sore.
and pretty shaky.
but its okay because it feels great.

the only bad part is that i found out my grandma [i call her mom] is really sick. i mean REALLY sick. not the kind of sick you live through.
im gonna miss her so much... but i refuse to be sad. i dont want to fight for ehr to stay here when i cant help her living or dying, and me wanting her to stay just for me is selfish. i know she doesnt want me to be upset. shes not upset. she's had a very hard life, and to be honest its been pretty sucky overall. im happy for her i think because she deserves the relief from everything.
i know i probably sound like some selfish whore who just doesnt care about her grandma, but its not that way. AT ALL. i lived with her for a while, and i really truly admire her. shes an amazing strong woman whos worked so hard...
i just hope she goes peacefully when she does.


i think ive finally begun to understand death.
after my dad died, i was so pissed off and i didnt understand why.
but now its like i dont see death as an end to everything, i see it as a new beginning. a new beginning in a new body with a new life.

its a law of physics that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
i believe in God.
im christian.
but i also have my own take on things.
nothing too major, but there are some details of the christian religion that i dont follow.

just to be clear i believe in the whole past life thing.

it helps to not see death as someone disappearing forever.
its easier to see it as they really are going onto something better, and they arent really dying.


anyways.
enough with the death thing, its starting to feel morbid in here haha

hmm.

im proud of myself.
for listening to ana.


you know, today i was talking to one of my friends and shes mentioned that even though she "knows theyre unwell" she "admires anorexics because they have real will power and determination."

now, i know for a fact she doesnt know.
trust me.
she isnt smart enough to catch on and we dont spend enough time together for her to know.
i think she was just speaking from her mind though.
i used to think of anorexia like that too.
makes me kind of proud =]

also, the whole "people with eating disorders are really hardcore" comment that the doctor made on americas next top model thing made me laugh.

anyways,
sorry about the long post.
im off to go play some piano and get some things done.


stay strong girls

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3