sometimes i hate my decisions

i binged.
ive been doing so well and i screwed it all up. my step dad came home today with 6 DIFFERENT PACKAGES of little debbie cakes.
now, when i think little debbie cakes, i think pure gluttony. remember, that no one im my family is overweight, and my mom is so against buying those because she thinks well all end up fat slobs. well, my stepdad bought them as a celebratoy treat becuase of how well theyre doing in work and how well im doing in school.
wtf. i dont really see how making me gain 20 lbs is a treat but whatever.
so im sitting there, doing dishes, and i keep thinking "im so much better than them. i dont even have a binging problem anymore. its been forever since ive had a binge that went over 500 cals. im at absolutley no risk for binging. i dont even like those anyways." and then my little sis walked in the room and asked to have one so i said sure. and watching her stand there and eat it i remembered how much i used to love those when i was little and my mom would let me have one once in a while and they were always so amazing.

but i kept telling myself i wouldnt and i told myself that they probably had like 500 calories per roll or some crazy shit and they'd go straight to my hips anyways and i could kiss my thigh space goodbye if i had any.


then my little sister asked why i didnt get one and i just snapped. i ate like 2 and they were 200 calories. so i had 400 calories worth of little debbie cakes. then i thought ive really fucked it up i might as well just eat and get it all out of my system so i can go back to not eating. so i had tortilla chips and cheese. then i changed my mind and decided id rather have thin than food. which added up to 200 calories. so far it adds up to 600 calories. plus the soup i had earlier, 120 calories.

IVE EATEN 720 CALORIES.
HOLY SHIT.


all of my work has definitely been erased. i cant fast tomorrow because my metabolism is fucked up from the binge.

I WAS SO CLOSE!!!!!

im probably guna be 128 again tomorrow.
no 123 for me.

i thought about purging, but i promised myself i would never purge.
if i make the decision to binge, then i will deal with the consequences.

ive been exercising since i binged.


this sucks. really bad.
i kind of think i had it coming though becaus i havent REALLY binged for a while.

idk. i just felt so good about everything this morning and today has turned out to be a shitty day.
im starting to like jake.
shit.
why have i been saying his name again?
ugh.
anyways.
im starting to like him and all he talks about is his lame ass gf all the time and how 'she wants to have kids when they get older" and "how amazing she is." am i the only one who thinks shes a total whore?
christ.

idk.
im not going to go out with him.
because then itll just mess up the friendship.



right now, im a little more worried about the binge.
its not even "a binge" its THE binge.

the binge that set me back a week and 5 lbs.



im going to go now.
before i get too depressing.

did i mention im buying the book wasted? ive just heard aobut its greatness from too many people to not buy it.