strange?

okay.
bad day.
meant to fast yesterday.
but my parents made me eat dinner with them and took away my fone because i refused to eat.
so i ended up having to eat and ruined the fast.

i weigh 126.

then today i meant to fast.
but it was more of a halfhearted effort than anything else.
idk, these past few weeks ive been doing things more half-heartedly because i dont think its possible for me to loose weight anymore.

then i binged today, at around 4 and all of a sudden, i felt anxious and guilty like i used to. not just guilty because i didnt want to loose weight, but guilty because of a horrible FEAR of gaining weight.

i was extremely close to throwing up just to get the food out of my system. suddenly, im starting to think like i used to. i worked out for 3 solid hours to try and cancel out the pounds before they come and im completely exhausted.

i found a key board and found a music sheet for fur elise by beethoven.
i dont know how to play the piano.
i dont know how to read music sheets.
in fact, the only time i played on, or near a piano was when i was very very young.

but i found myself playing chasing cars by snow patrol, even though i dont like the song. i even managed to write the notes down. i dont know how the hell i know what the notes are what but i do. its like its implanted in my brain or something.

so after i played chasing cars, i printed off fur elise. now its just a normal plain music sheet with all of the written notes on a staff and has squiggles and what not, but i still managed to play the first 20 seconds of it. so i practiced all day to avoid eating [before i had binged.] and when i thought i could really play it, i tell my mom to come listen because even though she can be a bitch, shes still really cool sometimes. so my step dad wanted to listen too, and i hate him, and the second i started playing, i screwed it all up. like i could play perfectly the second before, but it all went out the window.

then they just look at me like im crazy and walk out.

it really pissed me off. i can never perform anything in front of people.
i could never do ballet for my mom,
i could never sing in from of my family,
i could never draw when being watched,
i cant do anything in front of people.
its like i psyche myself out.

but i can always do it for strangers or friends.

so i always end up looking like an air head who thinks she can do it but shes really just as mediocre as everyone else.

i hate that.
i like normalcy, and mediocrity about as much as i like swallowing cactus thorns and drinking gasoline and bleach with it.

ugh. anyways. you may be asking what this has to do with ana.

well, a while back, before i found ana, i told everyone i was going on a diet. and stuck to it for a long time. then i came off it for a few days and found the miracle of restricting.

well, my family still thinks that i just quit my diet like a failure.
so all i ever hear from them is 'you couldnt hold a diet to save your life.' and 'yeah, youd be able to last a diet about as long as a pig could.'

and its kind of funny, that it never really ended. it just took a short break then blended into my life. it became the most important thing to me in the world.

its really ironic that they never see the things in front of their eyes.

they swallow lies and they dont even notice.

its like they see a world that isnt quite reality. like a skeleton seeing the fat that isnt there.


its strange.

very,
very,
strange.