diet coke saved my life

okay so ive been drinking diet coke all day.
it makes me feel super full.
anyways,
i decided to end my fast because i wasnt loosing and significant weight.
i weighed 127 this morning,
and all day today i ran errands and stuff with my mom and i had half a grapefruit [53 cals] and have been drinking diet coke.

this morning i had a total break down though.
i couldnt find anything to wear because everything i tried on made me look fat.
so i started crying when my mom walked into the room [i dont usually cry about things unless their important] and my mom asked why i was crying.
so i told her it was because im a fat ass.
then in the car she was like "just eat less and exercise once in a while." so it pissed me off because thats all i ever hear so i told her.
yes, ladies and gentlemen, i told her.
of course i didnt tell her im anorexic, but i was really upset and told her thee was physical way that i could eat more. i told her i already dont eat ever and that i exercise on an average 2 hours everyday. so she was like
"well thats why your fat." so then i had to explain that when i was thin and loosing weight that i was starving myself and that the reason i gained was because i stopped for a while and went on a week long binge before i decided it was enough.


weird thing when i was crying was that i kept thinking my only other option is to start purging. if i dont start loosing weight soon then i have to start purging because i binge too much to keep it all in. and for a second there was hope.
but then i chickened out.

anyways,
after i explained to her that starving is actually the best way to loose weight, she seemed intrigued.
she wasnt upset, or mad.
she just basically told me to do what i wanted to do as long as i didnt kill myself.
im not really sure she knows the extent to which i starve myself though.
she thinks im talking about skip a meal, im talking about skip 4 days of meals.


anyways.
so she offered to take us out to a chinese restaraunt.
those places are usually my weakness.
but oh no, there was ana telling me to order a diet coke and to shut my trap and sip.
so i did.
she didnt force me to eat like she usually does, and i just sat there and drank my coke.
it felt good.
i didnt even have an urge to ask for food.
not even a bite.
because ana was there the whole time, threatening me with push-ups and crunches.

amazing.

so after we went to run errands my mom wanted to take us out to get dinner.
then she offered dairy queen.
and i thought about it for a second. but told myself no.
then my mom said "if you die tomorrow, dont you want to die knowing that you got to eat that dairy queen?" then i told her id rather die thin than happy and she said fine.
but then i kept thinking about it.
and i thought 'i could always just have ONE chicken strip. and i dont even have to get any ice cream.'
then that thought of one chickened strip turned into two, and then two plus a spoonful of ice cream and then my fantasy just kept evolving till i saw myself eating like a gluttonous pig at dairy queen.
i wanted to,
but i didnt want to.
and then, when we get outside of dairy queen and im about to scream, my little sister punches me in the nose [on purpose] and my nose starts gushing blood.
my mom starts screaming "oh my god you broke her nose!" and im trying to keept all the blood from getting on my clothes and the car and then i get super pissed off and turn around and start cussing at her and hitting her and all that.
i know shes younger and i shouldnt have done that, but shes been provoking me for a while.
today was the last straw.
anyways, im glad she did it because my mom got pissed we were acting like animals then took us both home and left to go eat out with her friends instead.
so i got mad, and went to sleep.
woke up at 8 with a million txts and missed calls from people i was supposed to hang out with, and 3 lbs lighter.
so i rejoiced =]


and thats it.
now i know i can loose weight if i really want to, and i just have to stay strong.
i WONT give this up.



im glad that my sister punched me in the nose.



well,
hope everyone's doin great.

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3