binge

yesterday i was outside with my mom and i couldnt stop thinking about food.
i mean i swear i was going insane.
i kept imagining all these chocolate bunnies the size of godzilla hopping around screaming "eat me!" in high pitched little voices and pie men walking around asking if i wanted some.
i was already having a really bad, stressful day and i was feeling really anxious like i used to.
my mom was talking to me and i couldnt even pay attention.
she said she wants to write a book with me, [shes creative, im a writer when i have nothing better to do,] and she goes
"what do you think we should write a book about?"
and i stupidly answer "lets write a books about food."
i dont know why i said that, and i had absolutley no thought behind it whatso ever and my mom asked me what i ate that day and i lied and say loads of low calorie stuff when really i just had a grapefruit.
so we keep talking and i start getting paranoid thinking that im alice in alice in wonderland and my mom is going to turn into a playing card made of bread [like the queen in the movie] and make me play golf with her and i start to actually worry that if i stand up to walk to the kitchen ill fall in the rabbit holes and ill drown in a chocolate sundae.
so my mom keeps talking and i keep thinking about weird shit and she says some thing and looks at me and i answer "what about a burrito?"
and she goes "i didnt ask you anything."
and we both get quiet and i start thinking about burritos and burgers and i started thinking about hot air balloons that are made of twinkies, and wicker baskets made of licorice.
so my mom goes
"look, im trying to support you with the diet thing but it really worries me that you dont eat. i wish you would just eat like a normal person and be happy."
then i had to explain to her that eating makes me unhappy and i hate food and she goes
"i think your developing an eating disorder."
NAWWWW REALLY? DO YOU REALLY THINK SO? GOSH I WOULDA NEVER GUESSED.
so then i convinced her im not and its just a diet and if she lets me diet the way i want ill get sick of it eventually.
then she gets this sad look in her eyes and shes like "your obsessed with food. its all you ever talk about. you just talk about food and calories with your friends and i see you on that scale hundreds of times a day."

well, ive been reading wasted, and i think its put me in a screwy sort of place in my head because i actually felt really bad.
and she goes "why cant you just eat? just eat normal food!" and so i told her i could eat normally if i wanted to and she didnt believe me.
she was like "i know you cant. i dont like the way your starting to think. ive noticed a changed thinking pattern in you."
so im like wow your blowing this way outta proportion.
and i said i was freezing and went to get a blanket and when she comes back out she starts up with the whole "your only cold because you dont eat."

which is so not true.
if i was thin enough to be cold when its hott then i wouldnt be doing this now would i.
so she starts making me feel really bad and i go and to egt food.
i grab a breakfast burrito from chic-fil-a, a burrito, some chips and cheese, and a twinkie.
i at 1/4 of the breakfast burrito, 1/2 the burrito, and then felt like if i ate anymore id throw up.
so i went inside afterwards and felt sick.
if i lived alone i know i wouldve purged.
i didnt want to though.
i dont need another disorder, i have enough already.
so i spaz out and have an anxiety attack and go through all the usually guilt stuff. but this time, it was different.
i realized that food doesnt make me full.
food doesnt make me happy.
food doesnt do anything but make me feel neurotic.
food doesnt taste the way my mind thinks it does.
food only makes me gain weight.
food is not the answer.
and the second i was full i craved to feel empty.
that wonderful beautiful feeling of nothing.
i was hungry for the lack of food.

its like now that my thinking of food has changed, i dont think im going to be binging anymore. or at least as often.
i heard someone open the chip bag this morning and i almost threw up all the water i had drank.

i cant even go in the kitchen without feeling extremely revolted.

i couldnt be around anyone who was eating today.

i saw a big banana split on the counter this morning and it didnt even occur to me that i was supposed to eat it.
once i realized it was for consumption i felt a horrible wave of anxiety come over me and the nausea came quicker than a fat girl to a cupcake.

i could barely eat my grapefruit this morning.

i feel like... now that my perception of food is changed, im no longer a slave to it.
of course im going to still be obsessed with it, but more obsessed with the lack of it rather than the food itself.

didnt make these, but theyre good nonetheless: