40 calories

40 calorie day.
i weighed 122 this morning!
success!!!!
ive been too terrified to get on the scale all day today for fear of it going up, and me loosing my success. i think i might actually make it to the 119 goal this fri.
idk what it was about today, but i just had absolutely no appetite. i was up late yesterday fantasizing about my apple [i now have an obsession with apples? i actually wished for a minute that my name was apple. only the bright reddish pink ones and the green ones. for some reason it doesnt transfer to the dark red ones] and today when i cut it up, i was so struck by the beauty of the pink yellow red blend of small pieces scattered across the white bowl that i didnt want to eat it. it was the weirdest thing ever.
so i went with my mom to run some errands and ended up being out for a solid 6 hours.
usually, if i dont eat a few pieces of something every once in a while i start getting massive cravings that lead to binges.
but i feel the cravings at all.
i just wanted my 1/2 apple .
so me and my mom were sitting in a government office getting some things sorted out when she goes "omg im so hungry i think im going to faint. i really dont feel well." so i was like 'when did you last eat?'
and she says "i had a few bowls of cereal and some tamales this morning but that was like 2 1/2 hours ago. im starving!!" and i started laughing.
really loudly.
and couldnt stop.
i just found it so hysterically funny that she honest to god thought shed die if she didnt eat for more then a few hours.
shes still complaining about having missed a meal a few days ago saying shes "still feeling the effects of starvation"
OH PLEASE.
it was hilarioussss.
i swear, the mind frame is everything.
so lately, ive been trying to fatten her up as a way of getting back at her for being a bitch to me every moment she can.
ive been ordering chinese for her every night, making her huge soups [i always opt for the ones with more calories] and feeding her loads of crackers [the 15 calorie ones] and ive gotten her in the habit of eating chips with everything and frying things for her/ adding butter to all her meals.
i swear im evil.
i feel kinda bad.
wait, no i dont.
not at all.
shes a bitch. she makes fun of me for things that i dont even have wrong with me, ["your hair is the color of yellowed dishwater and your short!" im taller than she is by 3 inches and my hair is pitch black hahaha. trust me, shes not blind either.] and every chance she gets she calls me fat.
i seriously am starting to think that its jealousy becuase shes realizing shes getting older, and im not even close. shes childish. shes fake.
and she deserves it.
shell balloon, while ill shrink.
=']


anyways. enough of that.
so as i was saying, today i had absolutley no appetite and after my mom had driven to taco bell and i got a diet coke [nothing else] she kept offering me food, and i wasnt having a hard time saying no. it was really easy to just say 'no.'
easier than it ever has before.
it didnt even cross my mind that id stuff my face with that stuff.
i just kept thinking "thin people dont eat that stuff. if i pretend to be thin itll happen. so im too thin to eat that. itll kill my fragile system. LOL"
and then it happened at KFC too.
we went there for dinner.
she ordered me loads of food then just ended up giving it to my sister because i didnt eat any of it.
then she commented on how i 'dont eat anymore' and 'im very pale' and 'its not healthy to not eat food.'
then i told her if i ate food id end up like her and she dropped it quickly.

ive also developed this habit of keeping food i cant eat.
ive got 2 shoes boxes filled with candy and mini-pies and little debbie cakes and loads of stuff ill never eat. so after my sister gave me an apple pie, i stuck it in the shoe box.
yes you know im mental.
then my mom goes 'so whyd you eat that apple pie? i wanted it. i need it im starving.' i made fun of her just like she used to do to me. then i gave her the pie and watched her eat it giving her the most disgusted look i could muster.
'i need it! my blood sugar is low or whatever. idk i feel faint so i need it.' then i laughed at her, and you could tell she knew i was laughing AT her, not WITH her.

if you only knew the things she used to do to me, youd never think i did anything to her she didnt deserve.
so anyways.
once i got to the time to eat my salad, i wasnt hungry for it.
and to answer a comment: no, i dont get nauseous anymore. i used to in teh beginning but now i dont egt headaches or feel sick. just tired.

long story short, i ate the salad anyways and i think im just going to skip my 5 calorie soup. im simply not hungry for it.
i know the set amount is 45 but cutting back is fun.

good day today.


well, thats all folks!


XOXO Sophia Ruins <3