had 65 cals today.
i had a salad, 1 cup of green string beans, 1/2 cup of mushroom stems [dont ask. D=] and another salad for dinner.
i worked out for about an hour and a half.
so whats really bothering me today [you dont need to listen to me complain if you dont want to. i like blogging like its a journal because if i ever kept one im pretty sure my stupid family would go through it and laugh at me.]
so today my problem is my mom.
do you ever feel like everyone in your family is on the same level with eachother, but you turned out to be on a completely different frequency than them? i feel like that all the time.
all my family cares about is money. seriously. money and success. my mom is the fucking ice queen who NEVER. EVER. EVER. shows any affection [physical or emotional] and i dont think shes said i love you since i was in 5th grade. shes just such a bitch all the time, and its like she ENJOYS hurting my feelings.
today she was like "i dont like your calves. theyre either too fat or else theyre too muscular. yeah thats it. theyre too muscular. you have masculine legs. really masculine legs. you should fix that."
so i thought she confused the word masculine with the word muscular as they both sound the same and i was laughing about it when she came downstairs. so i was like "hey you remember earlier? you said the word masculine instead of muscular." i wasnt making a big deal about it, i honestly thought that she didnt mean that. i was trying to laugh about it with her. [futile i know.]
and she goes.
"oh no, i didnt mean muscular. i meant masculine."
so i go "you know masculine means manly right?"
she says "yeah, i know thats why i used the word masculine instead of feminine dumbass."
so naturally i get pissed off and go to get the measuring tape.
turns out, my calves are smaller than hers are [at least mine are muscle whereas hers are pure fat >=|]
and she goes "well, at least im not fat like you."
so then i brought up the fact that she 3 INCHES SHORTER THAN ME AND WEIGHS MORE THAN I DO BY 20 LBS."
then shes like "yeah but i look good."
UHH HELLO? YOUR A FAT OLD LADY?
god she pisses me off.
its like she enjoys making fun of me. she LOVES to make me feel bad about myself.
so then i told her shes just jealous because im hot and shes saggy and she starts going off talking about "oh well i had more boyfriends when i was younger."
umm im not exactly worried about how many bf's she had. im not in competition with my 40 year old mom to see who gets herpes first thanx.
god.
then she made me work for 4 hours instead of letting me write an essay that was due today. then she took 300 bux from me.
how the FUCK are you guna owe me money, then take 300 bux from me?
she doesnt even pay me for working!
she just takes my money!
christ.
its like i dont get along with anyone in my family.
i mean normally i wouldnt care but its like everyone keeps putting so much pressure on me to move out and im not even old enough too.
i dont have a car.
or any money.
i dont even have a license.
all i hear from them is how much they hate me and how fat they think i am.
im sick of their bullshit and just want to move out and get the hell on with my life.
...
ugh. okay. done venting.
i feel better now.
maybe thats why ive been binging lately.
idk.
all i know is that now that im on a roll with the cals, and i should start loosing some serious weight here pretty soon.
i weighed 124 today.
i seriously think all this weight ive put on during these binges might take some time to come off =/
hmm.
im willing to wait.
peace girls.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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Yeah your mom has serious issues. She obviously isn't comfortable w/ aging and therefore is trying to have some futile competition w/ her own daughter and finds ways to put you down just so she can feel better about herself...she needs therapy lol.
ReplyDeleteBtw I totally understand about the mom "borrowing" money thing. Throughout high school my mom over time "borrowed" $15 000 from me (all the money I saved for uni) before she left.
Wow...your mom is so jealous of you, it sounds like everything is a competition between you too, you know the step mom in cinderella story, that how i picture your mom, the personality I mean.
ReplyDeleteJeez you have it so hard hun, and people are seriously dumbfounded when we develop ed's...duh its because our parents fuck us up...least ur mom's insults can motivate you to lose more though..
You really are on a roll with the low cals, keep doing your thing and you'll be so, so thin!
Xxx
I'm sorry if this is slightly inappropriate, being that I don't know your mom personally, but wow. The things she said to you were COMPLETELY out of line. Like, not even remotely acceptable or true!
ReplyDeleteBut that being said, I can totally relate. In high school my mom used to call me fat too (not to mention a whore). She doesn't anymore because after inpatient treatment my insurance won't pay for any ED intervention (not that I want it AT ALL) so I guess she's trying to save money.
Mothering classes would be helpful, don't you think?
The weight will come off from the binges, especially because your doing great on your 45/65 days! You are motivating me to cut cals here and there and see how low I can get without triggering any suspicions.
ReplyDeleteAs for your mother, I don't have any words to express what I'm feeling, but I hate that you have to hear that kind of thing. I know it's gotta be stressful/terrible/triggering. You've always got refuge in California if you need a break!
Awesome cal day - and your mom sounds like a total bitch! Seriously, don't take anything she says to heart, sounds like she's jealous of you. Bullies only put people down because they have low self esteem. Don't let her get to you, and if she says something mean, try to let it roll off your back, the more you argue with her the more you'll egg her on. My dad was a bastard like that. As for the money - don't let her have any!! put your shit in a bank account or hide it or something! that is just not right.
ReplyDeleteOuch - I may have issues with my own weight and food, but if I ever have a daughter I hope I'm not wicked, I hope I can keep my negative body image and all my issues to myself and not project them onto her.
ReplyDeleteYour family does sound a lot like mine though. When I was 13 my mother pulled a dress out of her closet and wanted me to try it on, she had worn the dress when she was 26. I couldn't even zip it up, it wasn't that I was obese, the dress was too narrow at my ribs and on my shoulders. My mother chuckled and said, 'I always thought you were a little big for your age.' I didn't cry or even look at her, I just shrugged my shoulders and walked out. The next day I stole the dress out of her closet and burned it in the woods during a binge, few things in life have given me as much satisfaction as watching that fabric turn black and disappear.
Wow... I'm so sorry you have to deal with her. :T I don't mean to be rude or anything, but your mom has serious issues. She's probably severely jealous of you because she sees you're losing weight and because you're becoming so thin. Ignore her! <3
ReplyDelete