AWFUL HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE BINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i binged.
i was having a good day til my parents started fighting [nothing new there].
me and my mom have been looking at houses and apartments for the past few weeks, and last week found a huge apartment for super low rent and there was only one more 3 bedroom left.
all the rest are studios.
so we make an appointment and make them reserve it and get all excited that were FINALLY going to be able to leave my stupid ass step-fag and some how, he finds out.

the appointment was for 5:15 and he purposely took my moms car and left.
me and my mom were about to walk out of the door to put the deposit down when he turns into the biggest asshole on the planet and leaves with the car. he turned off his phone.
temporarily changes his voice mail to "let me know if the apartment works out for yah".

i wanted that apartment so fucking bad.
i hate him more than anything in the world.
we were SO CLOSE TO LEAVING.
so i call the apartment place and tell the lady something came up and we wouldnt be able to make it to put the deposit down today but could come first thing tomorrow.
and she says "if you dont show up here in the next 10 minutes, well be forced to let the couple in the lobby have it as they have been asking for it and have the deposit on hand.
WHAT THE FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!
FUCK!!!!!

so now we dont get our fucking apartment.
there are no apartments even relatively CLOSE to the city were in now.
no houses for rent.
NOTHING.
we cant leave the city because of my moms work license.
IT TOOK US FUCKING MONTHS TO FIND THAT APARTMENT.
IT EVEN HAD A KICK ASS WORK OUT CENTER AND A JACUZZI ON OUR BALCONY.
WHAT THE FUCK!
HE RUINED EVERYTHING AGAIN JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES.


so now we stay.
we stay in the fucking HELL HOLE weve been trapped in the past 4 years.
no way out.
not ever.

i walked into the kitchen in a fit, cussing and crying and screaming and breaking shit.

bad move.
the kitchen is the worst place to be when you're me.
when your pissed off.
when your life sucks ass.
when you have an eating disorder.
when you hate everyone you live with and wish you could just drop dead from organ failure one of these days because its the only way they would see how much theyve killed you. inside and out.



when youre me you open the box of doughnuts.
eat a custard filled dough nut.
dont think babe, just shovel.

open the fridge and pull out the ceviche.
eat 3 helpings
dont think babe, just shovel

pull out the box of pizza that was so easy to say no to just yesterday.
have a piece.
dont think babe, just shovel.

swallow as much pepsi as you can before you start feeling dizzy
dont think babe, just shovel.

eat a bag of gummy bears, and start making a sandwich with three pieces of bread instead of two.
dont think babe, just shovel.

feel the vomit leaping up into your mouth, but push it down with a bowl of peanut butter crunch cereal.
dont think babe, just shovel.

start unwrapping a bar of chocolate
dont think babe, just shovel.

run to the bathroom to unintentionally throw up
and hope to god no one heard you.
return to your chocolate.
dont think babe, just shovel.

pull out the ice cream.
eat half a gallon
dont think babe, just shovel.

eat the little debbie cakes you had stashed under your bed because your neurotic
dont think babe, just shovel.

your stomach feels like its about to burst because you didnt get everything up when your got sick.
but its okay.
you want it to burst.
you want to die.
so you go back to the kitchen.
open the buffalo wings.
go hide in the pantry.
dont think babe, just shovel.

you've realized that your mom just walked through the kitchen while you sit hiding in the pantry hoping she cant hear your maniacal laughing and hysteria while almost choking on the small bones of chicken wings.
dont think babe, just shovel.

she opens the door,
looks at you,
says your fucked up,
and shuts the door again.
dont think babe, just shovel.

nothing looks appealing anymore, and the pantry is so small you cant move to see anything so you start eating the oregano.
and some parsley.
and some mustard.
some creole seasoning.
top it all off with peanut butter, and some tuna.

you feel bad.
very bad.
your heart feels like its going to beat out of your chest and is only going faster and faster.
the words cardiac arrest keep flashing through your head and you find it amusing.

black out, and when you wake up, your not outside of yourself anymore.





i walked into my room.
saw my bloated stomach, making me look like a somalian child.
small arms.
small legs.
big stomach.
bruised hips from everytime i lay down wrong on the couch.
from 118 lbs to 125 in a little under an hour.
does it make me a magician i can do that?
i dont think it does.