121.0 lbs

okay so today i weigh 121.0 lbs
im really surprised that i lost 3 pounds in a day instead of the usual 2.

im happy?

no. right now, im hungry.

i want to go eat food.

but i dont want to go eat food.

im not going to go eat food.


i was sitting in the car today, and i realized that this fast isnt for weight loss.

i realized that i dont care how much weight i lose during this one.

right now, im enjoying the control.

being able to chose whether or not i eat.

and also because im livid.

im absolutely pissed at my family situation.

im tired of my stepdad being a fucking drunk, and using it as an excuse to be an asshole.

im tired of my mom holding her breath hoping someday things will work out.

im tired of all of us trying to leave him and it never working out.

im tired of walking on eggshells in my own fucking house.

so when he makes his stupid dinners and spends hours in the stupid kitchen and stupidly asks me if i want to eat dinner, and i say no, i get my two seconds of enjoyment in seeing that little light in his eyes being squashed down.

i like making him feel bad because i hate him.

i hate him because he ended my life the day he walked in the door.

so if im going to be childish by not eating because i know it bothers him, then so be it.


and no, btw its not fucking fair that my mom, who was at one point a strong independent woman, had to be lowered down and turned into some quiet bitch making excuses for the man who acts like an 11 year old.


and it really is hard to leave someone.

there is no just up-and-go type shit.

it really pisses me off that my friends and other family think that my mom is with him because of her own weaknesses.

no.

shes with him, because money doesnt grow on trees, and housing isnt easy to find, no matter how much you need it.


but fuck all the details.

i weigh 121 lbs and despite not having slept last night, i feel pretty good.

im ecstatic no one can control what goes in my mouth except for me.




self-improvement is good, but self-control is best.







XOXO Sophia Ruins <3