Sabotage

so this is how dinner went down.
ill try to get the details as close to the truth as possible, because lets face it, sometimes reality is so much more interesting.


so it was my cousins birthday [her actual birthday isnt till thursday but shes leaving town today] and she wanted to go to this seafood restaurant that no one shuts up about [binged there once, it wasnt all that great.]

so her, me, and about 8 of our closest friends including my parents and my sister, all got a big booth.

we have this tradition that if its someones birthday, then on thier birthday dinner they get to order everyones plates for them and the person eating it has virtually no say in the matter. great tradition, huh?

so my cousin and i dont get along very well and i didnt plan on eating, despite that agreement i had made with myself. i figured 'hey, this bitch isnt worth it, so why waste a perfectly good fast?'


well she orders appetizers, and i tell her that im trying to get over a stomach virus and that i really dont think my stomach can handle more than a salad.
she tells me to shut up because its her birthday and i dont get to order.

so for appetizers, she gets a fried seafood platter.

i mean every single fucking thing on that plate was fried. [im surprised the plate itself wasnt fried and drowned in butter].

and naturally i get a plate and put some stuff on it, and spend my time cutting it up. i wasnt really paying any attention, and i wasnt trying very hard to fake eat since i knew it probably wouldnt make a difference anyways.

so were all laughing and joking around when my cousin goes 'oh sophia is that all youre eating?' out of fucking no where.
i respond with 'im trying to save my appetite for the real food.'
she shots me a wierd bitchy look and i start making jokes to cover my ass.

time goes by, and i think im really going to be able to get away with this, when she starts ordering food for everyone.

she ordered everyone a salad and bread first. she skipped the salad and bread for me because she said she didnt want to ruin my appetite [ that biiiitchhhh]

the she started ordering main dishes for everyone.
she got a plate of sushi for someone, and then a plate of cocktail shrimp for someone else.
she ordered grilled salmon for my mom, and steamed crab for my sister.

then she gets to me, and orders a family plate [large enough to serve a family] of fried pasta shells stuffed with cheese served on a bed of fried shrimp, all covered in a creamy alfredo sauce.
uhh can you say fuck me?

i felt completely victimized by this bitch. right as she was ordering, i told her that cheese makes me sick because im lactose intolerant, and she COMPLETELY IGNORES ME and orders me chocolate mud pie.

so the food comes, and im having a heart attack, trying to act normal, and figure out how to fake eat all this shit.

what she was doing was incredibly obvious. everyone got a plate no bigger than two hands cupped together, while i got a fucking trough big enough to feed a horse.


so every one starts eating, and i start picking around, making sure to make conversation so no one notices the lack of food going into my mouth.


i see my cousin staring at me, and i excuse myself to go the the bathroom.

i walk into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror after making sure that no one else was in there with me.
i flip the lock above the bathroom door to ensure the ten seconds of privacy i want, and start looking at my stomach.

now i used to absolutley HATE my stomach. some days i still do.
but lately, i havent been hating it as much.
its flat, and you can see the two pointed hip bones, but my sides are where i have my problems.
theyre like two little packs of fat, slapped onto my sides, and it KILLS me everytime i see them.


so, after giving myself the reverse thinspo i needed, i walk back out to the table, with a smile thrown across my face, and lo and fucking behold, i get to the table, and my cousin is bawling her eyes out.

pretending to be sympathetic, i go straight to her, and ask her if everything is alright. my mom is hugging her, my sister is holding her hand, my friend is looking at me like im a bitch, and my cousin answers:

"its just that " sniff sniff "its my birthday and i never get to see you guys and " sniff sniff "and and YOU WONT EVEN EAT ANY OF THE FOOD I ORDERED FOR YOU!" wail, cry, wail, sob. " if i could have just one wish today, i would wish that you would eat normally and not make all your strange excuses." buries her head in my moms shoulder to wail some more, and i get lovely death stares from everyone at the table.
im completely at a loss for words, and dont even know what to say. waiters are passing by, looking at me like im the antichrist and i can just FEEL my face burning red.
everyone gets up to let me into the booth, and i silently start eating the 30 lbs in a bowl.

of course only after making sure to eat as much red colored food as possible for later use.








so i get home, pissed off, get on the scale, cry when i see 122 lbs, walk out of my bedroom and into the kitchen so i can drown myself in chitosan, get yelled at by my stepdouche, then decide its not fair that she would go so low just to ruin my weight.

or whatever the fuck she was trying to accomplish.

so i turn on my music really loud to cover the sound, lock myself in my bathroom, and throw up until i see red food.


throwing up, is the most disgusting thing in the world to me, and i hate every single second of it.


but it had a pay off.

i got back on the scale this morning, and i am 120.5 lbs.



im fasting today, but im not sure if i want to be.

i kind of want to eat, but im kind of afraid to.


this time its my decision.










XOXO Sophia Ruins <3