i was half asleep and half awake, and convinced there were ants crawling on me.
hydrocodone does that to me.
strange thoughts kept bubbling up, making themselves deliciously loud.
have you ever listened to yourself think?
i have.
i did it last night.
i said 'there are ants on me. should i brush them away? no. ill let them crawl. ill let them march in lines across my ribcage, singing their army songs. oh my empty ribcage, that holds nothing but a mechanical clock, slowly beating down the time. wouldnt it be wonderful if i just could crawl into my ribcage and sleep in there forever? just drinking in the darkness.'
i heard myself and i thought "what a morbid, morbid girl."
so im here to tell you guys that my calorie intake hasnt gone over 200 these past few days so i geuss thats good. the last time i checked my weight, i was 125.5 so i geuss thats bad. i refused taco bell today, and im proud. i think i might go have a grapefruit even though i want hot food instead.
ive got tons of ideas swirling around my head, but instead of getting to write them out and add more to my stories, i get to go start my school work.
what a wonderful world we live in, that creativity goes to waste while working is the only thing that matters and instead of everyone expanding themselves, were all just trying to expand our wallets.
havent slept in a couple of days, so i apologize if im all over the place.
im trying to keep on track with my food, and im also pretty busy psychoanalyzing myself, trying to figure out what exact moment i developed a mental problem.
[even though we all know its not an exact moment, but rather a succession of moments that put stress and pressure on an unstable person and then something finally snapped.] dont worry about me, im not quite crazy yet.
and i cant wait to be a psychiatrist.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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oh honey... *hugs*
ReplyDeleteAwh, you definitely made the idea of sleeping in a rib cage seem really relaxing...
ReplyDeleteYou're doing really well on calories though, bu tI think you need to sleep!
Are you really only 16? Your voice is mature and experienced. I love your writing. Insomnia sucks; when there is no food weighing me down my body wants to dance, whether it's night or day. Energy is a good thing. If you can't sleep try pacing. xo
ReplyDeleteI agree that you need sleep!
ReplyDeleteAnd I too have been thinking about my exact moment late,y and was just about to blog about it...
*offers pillow and purring cat*
ReplyDeleteI've heard that education actually kills creativity. Maybe because you have less time to express it?
Hope you get some sleep soon! *hugs*
Hm... education can be a threat to creativity, but I believe that if used properly, it can be a tool with which one can better express themselves, you know?
ReplyDeleteRegardless, you sound like you need some sleep. Badly.
A little warm, decaf tea, and perhaps a good novel? *hug* Sweet dreams.
Nightnight,
XOXO
Rena
oh i hate when im in that thinking, it goes round and round and round.....hope u get some sleep soon!
ReplyDeletehey sweetie,
ReplyDeletei get the "bugs" feeling too sometimes, like they are crawling all over my head, in my hair. when i look for them or get someone to look for them, they are never there. sometimes i wake up in the night and start panicking, brushing phantom bugs off my arms and legs. it causes me a lot of anxiety, i'm amazed that you were calm enough to let the feeling go on, i wish i could be like that. instead i have to take valium to calm the fuck down.
hugs to you darling, xo.
Oh, I love hydrocodone. Just had a small pill half an hour ago - great for appetite, you know?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I agree about the state of our country and culture. I hate how taco bell got this whole "fourthmeal" thing going on, and jack-in-the-box has those posters saying, "treat yourself to something extra. not like a massage or anything, just what's on the menu." wtf? I'm going to write a post about that! :)