Saturday, August 22, 2009

Mind Making

i really cant make up my mind about anything lately.

yesterday, i wanted my ED gone, i wanted to stay in my house with my mom instead of moving out with my step-mom, i wanted to tell my friend her crush asked me out not her so she should stop bitching about him, and yesterday, i wanted to go out with the guy ive been talking to and fuck my ex because im sure he hates me.

today, i hope i never have to go a day without my ED, and i dont know how the hell i could even begin to WANT it gone, since all its doing is helping me accomplish, i want to go live with my step-mom and get away from here, i feel horrible about my friends crush asking me out and i wish he hadnt, and today, i hate the guy ive been talking to, and i want to go back out with the only guy who i felt has ever REALLY cared about me.


ugh.

did i mention that i woke up so angry i thought id actually hit someone if they came too close to me?
but now im downright euphoric.


i cant make up my mind about anything, whether it be my mood, or what im going to do with myself.


but i geuss its okay. id rather take the ups and downs of being bipolar than get pills and become a [fat] zombie. ive heard those pills make you gain mad weight.


so, instead of actually ever making a decision, im just going to go where my thoughts take me and try to keep up.


i think i might paint one of the walls in my room today so it looks like the ocean, or the clouds at night.


or, better idea,

ill paint my ceiling with clouds and stick glow stars to it.



im eating 500 calories a day starting today, and by the end of a month, if i can count right, i should weigh 109 lbs assuming i lose 4 lbs each week. [which i should if i stick to 500 cals a day.]

i might change it up though and do a 500/300/500/300 deal.


well, i love you all dearly, so keep thinking thin thoughts, and doing those workouts.



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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9 comments:

  1. Princess.SmileAugust 22, 2009 9:23 AM

    hey been reading thru ya blog - noticed you saying your weight fluctuates between like 115-120 pounds, and im sure you have posted it and you know and idk im not tryin to offend you or nothing like that its just something i thought ah well this could help..
    like obv u like setting yaself cal intake limits, so say u set it at 300, eat like 50cals, then 50 an hour or so later, - it will sort ya metab out proper! then it may make things a bit easier idk ... good luck! x

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  2. RenaAugust 22, 2009 9:28 AM

    Ouch mood swings are not fun. :( Maybe try looking up some home remedies? I heard some fruits/veggies can have mood stabalizing effects.

    Good luck and Stay Strong!
    XOXO
    Rena

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  3. LAugust 22, 2009 12:08 PM

    you and i have very similar stats - good luck. i'm sure you will get there, which is more than i can say for myself but hey, trying is the best i can do. life is lonely, don't you think?
    ps - my blog is crap right now, but im working on it, so check it out :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. throughraindropsAugust 22, 2009 1:24 PM

    glow stars omg do that i always wanted to do thta as a kid but wasnt allowed

    xx

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  5. Peridot (G+P)August 22, 2009 4:08 PM

    OMG so do that!!! OD your roof, and then maybe the sea at sunset on one wall, and sunrise on the opposite? Lol you just totally inspired me!
    *hugs and high fives*
    Wishing you skinny bitch luck for your weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousAugust 22, 2009 4:15 PM

    Good luck with your plan! (Do you have an exercise plan, too?)

    And I'm sorry about the decision-making thing. I've had it for ages and only recently recognized that I've got nearly textbook depression / bipolar disorder.

    In my case, though, I was terrified of making a bad decision during a mood swing... so I override my instincts and impulsive decisions with reason and logic.

    I'm a zombie, but at least there aren't any drugs or weight gain involved :/

    ReplyDelete
  7. RhiannaAugust 22, 2009 4:41 PM

    Your plan sounds awesome hun! good luck getting to 109 i know you can do it.

    Hope things start getting better soon.

    xoxo

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  8. witchesAugust 23, 2009 4:46 AM

    It sounds tough. I get like that occasionally. But pulling the doorknob off the door and smashing my bedroom window usually fixes it. Just joking, haven't ever smashed a window deliberately. All I did was the doorknob-pulling part.

    I won't tell you to cheer up, because that annoys the hell out of me, when I'm sad/angry, so, just do whatever, and watch droopy depressing movies, and listen to sad depressing songs. Always works.

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  9. noneAugust 25, 2009 4:21 PM

    We're about the same weight ha.

    And I'm being medicated for bipolar disorder. I haven't gained any weight as a result, and combined with the medication I'm on for ADD, it actually lessens my appetite. I have seen little to no improvement with my symptoms.

    Usually I forget to take it though haha. I'm working on it, the weight loss benefits are quite nice.

    Good luck, love!

    ReplyDelete

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