blah.
binged yesterday.
im extremely determined to not make a big deal about this even though i can already feel myself being filled up with guilt like a can full of dirty water.
it was one of those horrible binges.
where i consume everything in the house.
or maybe it wasnt?
i had a piece of pizza and a brownie, then got up in the middle of the night to make myself peas.
i ended up weighing 125 lbs. set right back to where i was a few days ago.
im fasting today, just because i feel fat.
im pretty sure there isnt any other reason.
im convinced that either my mirror is warped, or else my body expanded massively because when i stand in my bathroom mirror, i dont look as fat as i do in my bedroom mirror.
and when i see my reflection in store windows, i look fatter than my reflection in my bedroom mirror.
im sure none of this makes any sense because im doing a shitty job of explaining.
i really just want to be normal again.
i dont want to do this anymore.
i want to see my reflection and not have it effect my day.
i want to eat like normal and not feel like i have to fast because i think everyone thinks im a pig.
and more than anything, im tired of feeling sorry for myself. like im some kind of victim when i know that im not. if i really wanted to go back to normal, i could do it. granted it might take some time, but if i wanted, i could eat.
but i feel like im sitting here playing the pity card when its uncalled for.
dont feel bad for me, because im doing this to myself.
i chose this.
and you know what?
im going to go eat some god damn pizza because i feel like it.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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I've been there before... and I know you don't want pity, but if this were really something that was 100% our choice, something we brought on ourselves... then we WOULDN'T fall into cycles of fasting and binging that make us miserable.
ReplyDeleteWe'd just go eat the goddamn pizza any time we felt like it. I really hope you feel better soon, whatever that takes :)
-Lina
hun, if youre over it thats good. youve identified the problem, now fix it. do something about it.
ReplyDeleteif you want it to be over, see a therapist :/ you can be thin without suffering from an ed, so dont worry about being fat. change your mind frame, and change your lifestyle. you will think clear, be ed free, and still have the opportunity to be skinny.
but im sure tomorrow youll feel the opposite.
then the next day youll be fine.
thats how it works. take it as it comes or try to fix it.
i hope you make a choice, and the right one. or just wait it out.
much love, and i hope you know youre not alone <3
xx
is a vicious circle dear, binging and fasting..and if it doesn't make you feel well, you must cut it right now.
ReplyDeleteThat's the risk of being so worried about food and weight..it becomes not only a part of our lives, but our entire life turns around it. We can't eat without feeling sad or fat..even if we just eat a little piece of pizza.
I know how it feels, because it happens to me too. I think you should really find some help if you wanna stop feeling like this.
Take care and don't forget that you can count on me whenever you want to talk or something.
Hmmm. I know how you feel. I hope you can get out of this slump soon.
ReplyDeleteGo eat some pizza, IF you feel like it! Bite back at your ED.
I'm such a hypocrite, sorry.
To help with the guilt: a little reminder about what a healthy person (not me!) would say:
ReplyDelete1. That is not a binge - that is roughly the equivalent of a normal (though slightly odd) meal.
2. If you're not getting enough nutrients, your body is going to make you eat on auto-pilot: it's not your fault and it doesn't mean you're weak, just that your body is trying to stay alive.
3. Your mirror is not distorted,but your perception is. You can't see what everybody else sees when they look at you. You can only see the flaws, and they are taking over your life and your identity.
4. It takes time to put on weight. Daily fluctations have nothing to do with the amount of fat that's stored: it's water, more than anything else.
Hope I don't sound too preachy, and you know I"m a big fat hypocrite, but at least if you attribute things to their biological causes, you won't binge cos you're angry and want to punish yourself, or cos you feel you're such a failure that you might as well keep going.