Balance

so i was in the shower, in the middle of scrubbing my hair when it hit me like a train.

just because im not restricting doesnt mean i cant fast.

i hate restricting, always have, but fasting is fun in my world.

so why cant i just balance out the days i eat with the days i fast?

i eat normal for 6 days, then i fast 6 days.

sure itll undeniably fuck up my body, but look at it this way:

i havent been gaining more than a pound every 2 days while eating since im taking chitosan [i highly recommend it]

and if everytime i fast i take off 2 lbs the first 3 days, then 1 lb every day after that, ill lose weight.

example:
my starting weight is 120 lbs [not really my weight].
i eat like i normally do for 6 days.
that gets my weight up to 123 lbs.
i fast for 6 days.
i lose 9 lbs since my body is just that damn predictable.
i weigh 114 lbs.

and i get what i want.

i get to eat whatever, where ever, and maintain my sanity in front of friends and family, but i get the joy of fasting and fulfillment of accomplishment when needed.

i still lose weight, but im eating so i dont feel deprived and depressed.


i love aha moments.




and in other news:

im fasting today.

i weigh 124 lbs [brutal yes i know] and i decided this morning, that a little 6 day fast wont hurt. plus im tired of feeling like a buffalo.

what im REALLY hoping to accomplish with this 6 day fast is to get down to 117 lbs.

i have to say, the number is appealing.

i dont know what it is, but theres just some kind of ring to it.

that and ive had a thing for the number 6 lately. [in case you didnt already notice i thought id point it out.]

see my only problem with fasting, is that im afraid i wont make it the 6 days.

im afraid of failure, and thats part of the reason ive been putting off fasting for so long.

im not hungry, im not obsessing over food [mostly because i know i can eat again as soon as i do this], but im afraid that this greater thing will just shove food in my mouth without my consent.

okay, im not REALLY afraid of anything insane like that, but i mean that by some turn of events, ill make myself believe that its okay to break the fast.

well its NOT okay.

and im NOT breaking this one until my 6 days are over.

so.

rules for this fast:


1) no putting my finger into dips and licking it like mustard, splenda, or juice.

2) no drinking anything over 100 calories [i get a little off if i dont drink something at least a little sweet when im fasting.]

3) no drinking more than 1 water bottle of under-100-calorie juice / tea.

4) have to take diet pills everyday. failure to do so results in removal of under-100-calorie drinking privileges.

5) no going in the kitchen, or thinking about food i cant have.




and thats all ive got so far.

and about number 5, im not worried about anyone "catching" me because my parents wont be home this coming week because of work related things.

i plan on at least attempting to go swimming tomorrow but im not sure if ill be able to since ive got tons and tons of school work to start on.





so you know those sites that have things like "warning, if you are recovering, get the fuck off my site because pretty much all of this stuff is triggering and i dont feel like being responsible for your bitch ass" posted all over the place?


well, i like those sites.


because, well they're triggering.

and because i dont like recovering.


today ive kinda been feeling like i wish i was back where i was a few months ago, completely caught up in all this, or that i could just start over because i just KNOW that this time ill be able to get there.

but its gone.

at least it seems gone.

like the disorder i worked so hard to please just up and left, and now im trying to figure out wtf i am.

if im not anorexic, that means i dont have an eating disorder.

if i dont have an eating disorder, then why is it so hard for me to feed myself and enjoy food?


i geuss for now im just going to have to settle for not labeling myself



heres a great site if you like fashion and thinspo mixed into one : lookbook.nu

and if any of you are going to a drugstore anytime soon, get some chitosan.

its a fiber capsule made of shellfish. it turns into gel in your stomach that makes 50% of all fat consumed indigestible, so if youre feeling a binge come on, that pizza wont be as tragic as it seems. [im the living fucking proof it works ladies and gentlemen. i swear im so close to investing in this stuff.]


i adore you all



XOXO Sophia Ruins <3