i binged.
i really didnt even try to stop myself.
we ordered pizza, my mom asked me to eat so i did.
im tired of trying for something that seems impossible... but i cant quit until i get there.
i refuse to.
so im sure ive had a good 1000 calories and i feel SO disgusting.
im starting a 5 day fast tomorrow.
i dont care how much i lose i just need to feel empty.
im hungry for hunger.
i crave the absence of food.
while i was eating, i was hit by the strong distaste for food.
i just hate it.
i hate the sound it makes slopping around in my mouth, i hate the sensation of my mouth being full of mushy shit, i hate feeling like im going to choke on something and i hate food in general.
its an shameful thing.
a savage un-delicate thing that represents the incredible need humans have to consume.
to consume everything around them whether it be time, the environment, space, oxygen, or the any other of the countless things on the list
i dont hate food just because of what it is or what it does to me, but because it represents an utter lack of control.
it represents BEING controlled by need.
so i just dont like it.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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I hate that feeling
ReplyDeletebeing full
its so gross and i just feel disgusting
It'll be better after a day or two of fasting...good luck
i really like your blog. keep going & good luck with the fast, i'm sure you're going to feel so much better afterwards! x
ReplyDeleteThankyou so much for the comment hun! :D
ReplyDeleteI've noticed how much better I can concentrate on study when I feel empty. It's just amazing!
*hugs* It may get your Mum off your back for a while then, no? Especially with your sister's leg >.<
I hate being full.
ReplyDeleteeugh.
and 1000 isn't that bad, I've had alot worse,
tomorrow is a new day.
good luck with your fast.
Good luck with your fast.
ReplyDeleteI hate feeling full.
Hunger is loveee.
Oh Sophia, I hunger for hunger too. So badly.
ReplyDeleteSighhhhh
x
Hey Sophia...long time reader, first time commenter. I love your blog and you seem like such a lovely girl. I'm lying here tired of being 121 and being full of food. Just wanted to tell you I know how you feel. I'm following your post anonymously because I don't trust blogger to keep my secret. If you or any of your friends can calm my fears I would be so grateful. In the meantime my blog is 'mes rites quotidiens.' love Lux
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything in this post. How you just need to be empty and you don't care how much you lose. And how food represents how wasteful and overly-consuming human beings are. I hate it. "being controlled by need." I want to be BETTER than that! Anyway I hope you do amazingly well on your fast, as I'm sure you will. : )
ReplyDeleteHm, yeah, good point. I never put it into words, but that is definitely something I find offensive and shameful, too. Hope you feel better.
ReplyDeleteI find that food is such a temporary indulgence. While I'm eating, I rarely think about what's in my mouth or where it's going. But afterwards I get this horrible sick feeling of regret.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, binging happens to the best of us. Just remember the feeling you had afterwards.
Stay strong during you fast :) (I don't have to wish you luck because I know you'll be fin!)
xoxo