im on a bad track.
before i drank last night, my weight was somehow at 121 lbs, then i ate and ate and ate and then it was 126, and then i fasted today to try and make up for it and then my weight was at 124, and i decided im tired of not eating for days on end just so that i can have a few insignificant lbs taken off, and that fasting sucks when youre doing it to make up for something, and not because you want to. now im staying off the scale because im afraid of it. if i wouldve stayed off the scale, i wouldnt have eaten tonight.
i also decided tomorrow im starting a diet comprised of one kind of food so that ill get sick of it and not over eat, and so that i wont binge from fasting anymore, and so that i can get this stupid fucking food off my mind.
and i decided that im tired of deciding things. decisions are stupid.
i do really stupid things when im drunk. i eat, and i pick fights with people, and i invite people over that shouldnt be in my room at that time of night, and i smoke.
yeah, i smoke.
never smoked before since last night.
im not really sure why i did, or what i was trying to prove, but i hate the habit and think its a sucky thing to be doing.
then today i couldnt stop thinking about food, so i came home, had a cigarette, and suddenly food wasnt on my mind anymore.
this post has awful flow, so sorry about that.
and i would go into detail about more things but i took a sleeping pill an hour ago, and i can hardly type.
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
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awww, i hate that after-binge feeling
ReplyDeletebut stay strong!
the one-food diet sounds like a pretty good idea, especially if it's something low-cal but okay-tasting, like melon :]
and please please don't take up smoking!! both of my grandfathers died of lung cancer, and i'd much rather you didn't
man i get tired of decisions sometimes too! it gets tiring having to remake them alllll the time...im tired
ReplyDeletethis made me chuckle. Not at you, only because it sounds too much like me.
ReplyDeleteCome hang out with me... we'll be bad influences on each other in a good way.
its def believeable to binge when drunk or after binging. just try and work it out.
ReplyDeleteseriously though, its our life. starve starve starve eat workout starve eat workout starve starve and on and on.
hope you get your shit straightened outttt and dont smoke too much!
xx
fasting to make up for things definatley sucks...you can't look in the mirror and remind your self of why your doing it because your stomach is still bloated from the night before.
ReplyDeletebut. the longer you can keep from binging then the more insignificant weight is lost until it's no longer insignificant. and one binge won't make it go as high as when you started.
what sometimes works for me is if I tell myself that I'm only allowed to eat at, for example, 11 o clock, 3 o clock and 7 o clock. and only 200 calories at each one. That way at 4 o clock I just think...just hold out a little bit longer...
good luck with what ever you choose to do.. we're all behind you.
I know it is unhelpful and insensitive but give your self a break!
ReplyDeletei looooove smoking. if i remember correctly i started in order to control my appetite. works great until i'm in a situation where i cant have a cigarette, then i eat to satisfy that craving... maybe that trend is a good enough reason to help you stop?
I love your discombobulated blog posts!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am an idiot when I drink at well.
And smoking, while terrible is a wonderful way to fight off food cravings... I do it when I fast.